120px-Cojuelo1Some Americans are able to change their physical and mental states on command, researchers say.

According to a study completed at K. A. Applegate Institute last month, more and more Americans are identifying as shape shifters, or beings that can morph into an individual dissimilar from their original earthly form.

Results were found through a series of interviews as well as physical and psychological exams.

Most subjects had only experienced the thought processes and feelings of another human being, but a few reported living as a different species entirely. For example, Canadian singer Sarah McLachlan says her days as an abandoned stray puppy were the inspiration for much of her work.

In a group of 5,000 people across the U.S., 70 percent reported they had experienced the pain of giving birth. Only 50 percent of those studied were female.
And although only 13 percent of those studied identified as African American, 25 percent reported they had experienced discrimination because of their African American ethnicity.

60 percent of participants knew what it was like to grow up in low-income housing and an impacted school system, even though only 40 percent had actually struggled with these issues for longer than a few hours.

Scientists have yet to find an explanation for this uncanny ability, but have reason to believe that this phenomenon dates back to the 1600s, when British colonizers were able to truly understand the motives and lifestyles of Native Americans.

Of all included demographics, middle-aged to elderly affluent white males were most likely to possess the shape-shifting trait. Although more research is needed on the cause, sociologists say the ability to experience life as another demographic may be the reason this particular group has a history of making so many progressive decisions on issues like healthcare, birth control, welfare and non-discrimination policies in the workplace.

Risa Weber doesn’t need to be a scientist to spot someone shifty.

*This article is intended to be read purely as satire.

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