Whether you’ve experienced puke-dick, toothy blowjobs, accidental anal or a guy with two-pump-chump syndrome, we’ve all had bad sex. Something that people don’t do on purpose — or so I’d hope, anyways — is screw things up in the bedroom. Sometimes the sex you want isn’t always the sex you get. And while the number of stories I’ve heard from both girlfriends and guy friends about terrible sex is astounding, it also surprises me how often people have really shitty sex — no pun intended. As such, in this article, I’m going to share some of the funniest, scariest and most ratchet sexcapades I’ve ever heard.  They come from friends, roommates, acquaintances and personal experience, but ultimately, are being told not just for your entertainment, but also so you know what to do next time a bad fuck ensues. With that said, brace yourselves, because we’re about to talk about bad butt-fucks, vaginal mishaps, disturbing dome and all places you don’t want your partner to puncture.

“It was long night of drinking in I.V. when I started to message this boy I’d met a couple days before on Grindr. I had been planning to hook up with him for a while at this point, waiting for the perfect moment, and this particular Saturday night felt right. I was really horny and honestly, just wanted some D in my A. I got to my house but alas, my roommate was home — a fact that simply wasn’t going to stop me that night. I’d been lusting after him for days, so I grabbed my car keys and decided that we would do it in my car. We jumped into the backseat, tore open the condom and broke out the Astroglide. No foreplay to warm me up; I assumed he was just saving up his juices for the impending anal. He slid in, slid out, slid in again and after what couldn’t have been more than four or five thrusts, says to me ‘I’m so sorry, I haven’t come in days.’ He had already finished, and I was left sorely unsatisfied. This was a boy I would never talk to again. Word of advice to all men out there: If you ever want to turn your hookup into a fuck buddy, jack off daily to ensure that both you and your partner get theirs. You can’t run out of cum, so use it, ooze it and abuse it.”

Bloody Valentine
“So I’d been talking to my boyfriend for a couple months about trying anal since we’d been dating for almost two years. Finally, after a romantic Valentine’s Day and many bottles of red wine, we decided to give it a shot. With no lubricant or condoms, intense foreplay led us both to believe we could do the dirty — literally. With no communication and just the tip currently in my ass, I suddenly let out a blood-curdling scream — an instinctual reaction to him shoving his penis full force into my anus. Sadly, my scream wasn’t the only thing that was blood-curdling. Bawling, I ran to bathroom to find that my rectum had been completely torn. Safe to say, we never tried anal again, and what I learned from that experience was that successful anal sex requires proper communication, a lot of lube, condoms and a boyfriend who actually knows what he’s doing.”
Push-Pop Puke
“Two summers ago, me and my current roommate actually used to date. The third and last night we ever hooked up, we went out to a bougie country club for dinner and finished our date at my house over some bottles of wine. Drunk as all hell, our foreplay quickly escalated into sex when I started giving him a blowjob. I won’t say that he was particularly well-endowed or anything, but the combination of alcohol and penis in my throat made my stomach start to feel a little sick. Suddenly, mid-dome, he grabbed my hair and started pushing my head into his crotch. I tried to pull away, but things happened so fast, and before I knew it, I was gagging on his dick. Suddenly, my stomach heaved and I started to puke on his penis. To all the men out there, NEVER push your partner’s head down into your penis during oral unless you want puke-dick to happen to you. Furthermore, be careful about what you eat and drink before giving dome, and never give head on a nauseous stomach.”

Really Shitty Sex
“So I’d been dating this guy for like two months, and we’d been having sex pretty regularly — about once or twice a day. Now, I’m gay, so I usually remember to make sure to ‘use the bathroom’ and clean myself whenever I’m going to bottom. One Sunday, when I’d been pretty hungover all day and stuck at home writing an essay, he texted me saying, ‘What are you up to?’ I knew what he wanted, and as tired and out of it as I felt, I decided that sex might be just the pick-me-up I needed to help me through my hangover. I got to his house, and we started going at it on the couch. He wanted to top, and even though I knew I hadn’t showered or shat that day, I decided that things would probably be fine and consented. He started to thrust in and out of my asshole, when suddenly, a sound that could only be described as a gurgling queef started to come from my butt. He looked at me in shock, and said, ‘Dude, I think we gotta stop for a sec.’ When I looked down at his penis and couch, it was covered in you-know-what. Needless to say, I felt more embarrassed than I’d ever felt in my life, and ran to the bathroom to clean myself. I didn’t even want to try again, and for the record, will never do anal without using the bathroom a couple hours beforehand ever again. That wasn’t just the worst sex I’d ever had; it was truly the shittiest.”

In closing, bad sex is something that is bound to happen to all of us from time to time, but hopefully, reading stories like these can help you avoid having it in the future, and also make you realize that it happens to all of us. While I only shared four stories with you today, some honorable mentions include “the guy who fucked me grunting like an animal,” “a girl too drunk to remember that she was on her period” and “the guy whose blowjob left me bleeding” — ouch. With that said, we all have bad sex sometimes, so learn to laugh about it and always grow from your mistakes.

Matt Togni wonders whether or not you can tell which of these stories is his own.  

A version of this article appeared in the Wednesday, May 14, 2014 print edition of the Daily Nexus.
 Views expressed on the Opinion page do not necessarily reflect those of the Daily Nexus or UCSB. Opinions are submitted primarily by students.