Next week, UCSB DJs will be convening in the Hub for the first annual DJ Spindown, co-sponsored by UCSB Arts & Lectures and Fox Racing. No one quite knows what to expect, but with names like DJ 24xTreme, Spicy Mike McCallahan and MC SkidMark Yudof, expectations are high.

A panel of five judges, led by one half of Daft Punk (which half was unclear as a result of too much mask), will preside over the competition next week. The panel is expected to include other prominent members in the DJ community, such as UCSB DJ Laureate, DJ Tenure, Theta Beta Beta standards chair and four-time EDC attendee “Molly” (real name unknown), and the conductor of the Santa Barbara Symphony, Bernard St. Bernard III.

This panel will judge contestants based on four separate categories: freshness, beatdroppability, fist pumping finesse and bass levels. Freshness will be rated on a scale from “unfresh” to “fresh ‘til death”; beatdroppability from “not very droppable” to “dropped it like it’s hot”; fist pumping finesse from “weak” to “dope”; and bass levels from “minimal bass” to “I shit myself.”

With over 47 Youtube hits, DJ 24xTreme is the favorite going into the competition. When asked about his strategy, the DJ explained, “I remixed Timber, replacing Ke$ha’s entire part with airhorns. I also amplified Pitbull’s part, slowed it down and added a shit load of bass. This one’s for the fans.” When asked about the rest of his set, DJ 24xTreme said, “What do you mean?”

Arch-nemesis and former roommate of 24 xTreme, Spicy Mike McCallahan believes that having the “underdog” title gives him a better chance at winning this contest. In response to 24xTreme’s accusations that his songs are not fresh Spicy Mike said, “I’m the best DJ in the game! You’re gonna see what happens when you try me with some sorry-ass DJ like 24xTreme!”

As Spicy Mike walked away from the interview, he stumbled and subsequently yelled (at us, we assume), “Don’t you ever talk about me! Don’t you open your mouth about the best!”

MC SkidMark Yudof was unavailable for comment, as he was temporarily jailed for trying to charge children tuition as they got off their buses at Pelota Elementary.

In an interview with Kyle Bukkins, one of the children who mistakenly paid the MC, he said, “MC SkidMark Yudof sucks a lot of wieners and he’s really dumb and we hate him forever.”

At a press conference for the judges regarding this upcoming spectacle, Bernard St. Bernard III said, “I am not hopeful and certainly not excited. Quite the opposite — I’m mortified.”

Later, during the same press conference, one half of Daft Punk explained his expectations by playing “Get Lucky” as he walked off stage and into the restroom, only to emerge hours later.

Audience member Jacob D. Ruthlessness referred to half of Daft Punk’s comments as “Tauntingly simple and hauntingly beautiful.” It is necessary to mention, however, that Jacob D. Ruthlessness said the same thing when asked about the State of the Union address, the situation in Syria and a video of a panda sneezing.

In contrast to the cryptic message that half of Daft Punk gave; Molly was very direct in her hopes for this upcoming event.

“I want the bass to hit me so hard that I will be completely unable to control my bowels,” she said. “I just want more bass.”

UCSB DJ Laureate, DJ Tenure, much like MC SkidMark Yudof, was unavailable for comment. Tenure asked us to email him and when we did, he said, “please email your TA for questions of this nature.”

No one was able to provide a date or location for this event, but it is clear that there will be bass and lots of it.

Emile Nelson and Allyson Campion are entering the competition collectively as “Spacetronaut.”

*This article is intended to be read purely as satire.
A version of this article appeared in the Wednesday, February 12, 2014 print edition of the Daily Nexus.
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