Apparently Democrats hate women. Or so I’ve heard from Mister “Couldn’t Even Make It Through the Republican Primaries” Huckabee. This quote I’m about to tell you is going to seem like a farce, but I swear to you it’s true. Regarding the Grand Old Party’s take on women’s issues, Mike Huckabee refuted the idea that Conservatives are waging a war on women and said that they are rather, “having a war for women. To empower them to be something other than victims of their gender.” He continued by saying that the Democratic platform is actually insulting American women by “making them believe that they are helpless without ‘Uncle Sugar’ coming in and providing for them a prescription each month for birth control, because they cannot control their libidos or their reproductive system without the help of the government.”

Okay first of all, who the hell is “Uncle Sugar?” Is that supposed to be some twisted combination of a “sugar daddy” and Uncle Sam? As if the government encouraging women to take charge of their own bodies is somehow equal to paying for a girlfriend with Gucci purses and Prada shoes? Secondly, I may be mistaken, but to me, allowing women easy access to healthcare seems pretty empowering, not like some liberal Jedi-mind trick. Lastly, I don’t know about you, but the controlling of my libido definitely has no connection whatsoever to anything going on in the government. (With the exception of President John F. Kennedy, may he rest in peace).

So after former Arkansas Governor Huckabee opened all of our eyes to the true sexism that hides within promoting the ability for women to make their own choices about their bodies, good ol’ 2012 Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum was asked about the interview. Though he acknowledged that, like the rest of the public, he had no idea who “Uncle Sugar” is supposed to represent, he jumped to Huckabee’s defense and backed the ridiculous idea that the Republican Party is really helping women’s rights to thrive.

Santorum stated that, “Republicans have been tremendous in supporting equality of women, in the workplace and other places. We happen to disagree on reproductive rights and abortion.” I’m curious, Rick, could you really not find any better phrasing than “in the workplace and uh … other places?” You literally could not think of any other areas in which Republicans have fought for equality for women? You had to answer like a high school quarterback who’s suffered too many traumatic hits and responds to his history teacher’s question with, “Uh, because it says so in the Constitution?” Regardless of Santorum’s fourth grade-level language, this concept that the Republican Party has a long history of empowering women in the workplace is entirely false and embarrassingly easy to disprove.

Let’s hop into my legislative time machine and go back just four years to the vote made by the Senate on the Paycheck Fairness Act, a bill that was drawn up to ensure fair pay for women. Wondering why it didn’t pass? Did the Senate Democrats manage to prohibit its passing while the Republicans read excerpts from The Feminine Mystique and jammed to Joni Mitchell? No … no, they didn’t. The bill didn’t pass because the Republican Senate unanimously voted against it. Yeah, that’s right, not a single Republican senator voted to support equality for women in the workplace. I don’t know where Santorum is getting his information, but I’m guessing you could find the source somewhere on the corner of delusional and idiotic.

Let’s go one back one year further to the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act of 2009, which recently celebrated its fifth anniversary since being signed into law and clarified the procedure for equal-pay lawsuits to prevent employers from finding loopholes in the charges against them. This was the first bill signed into law by President Barack Obama. (I think he’s a Democrat, but I’m not sure, I’ll have to get back to you.) The bill passed with 250 Congressional “aye” votes out of the total 435 (and you need 218 to pass a bill, shout out to my A.P. US History/Government teacher Mr. Canfield for railing that into my brain permanently). All but three of those “aye” votes were cast by Democrats. 173 of the 176 Republican Representatives voted down the bill. So I don’t think there’s much argument when it comes to which political party supports the equal treatment of women.

And Ricky, you can’t pick and choose when it comes to equality, you’re either all in, or you’re all out. You simply cannot say that Republicans support equality for women, minus their right to control their uteri. It’s not a valid statement. Not to mention the extreme hypocrisy in your party’s platform when y’all want me to keep my hands off your guns, off your money and off your corporate greed, but when it comes to my body, you’re allowed to shove your hands wherever you want. To quote one of my favorite gals, Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz, during the 2012 election: “Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan say they want to shrink the size of the government … Unless of course you’re a woman, and then the government should be up in your business.”

Mckinley Krongaus thinks “Uncle Sugar” sounds delicious … where can she get one?