Fudge packing, rump ranging, riding the Hershey highway and smashing in the back door … yup, I’m about to go there — buttsex. Everyone knows how taboo the subject is, and while it’s actually kind of funny to think that talking about one form of sex is more socially acceptable than talking about another, anal really takes more shit from society than it deserves. Here’s my beef: Last weekend at some party, my friends were having a raunchy conversation about their best lays in Isla Vista. These were my straight friends mind you, and as they went on and on about things like crazy sex in the library or getting head for an hour straight, I decided that I wanted to share too. Now my sex is gay sex and once I brought up the real missionary position, everyone’s voices went silent while their disapproving eyes screamed, “TMI!” Left standing there in the awkwardness I thought, “No guys, you don’t know what you’re missing.” But that’s when it hit me harder than the boy in my story: They didn’t know what they were missing because they literally couldn’t relate to me at all. Today, we talk anal because I realized last weekend that it’s nothing to be anal about in the first place, and everyone needs to realize that.

Whether you like it or not, the skin lining your anus has a ridiculously high concentration of nerve endings, so nobody — boys or girls, gays or straights — should be afraid of exploring back there to get some extra OOMPF in their sex lives. Guys, ever heard of your prostate gland? Well it’s essentially the closest thing we have to a g-spot and it’s located right along the anal wall about three inches up the rectum. You might think you’ve all experienced orgasms but imagine getting it without the penile stimulation! This might sound strange but it’s just one reality of anal play that most straight couples never get to experience. In fact, studies show that while 90 percent of gay couples have tried anal sex, only 10 percent of straight couples have done the same, meaning that the majority of people are missing out on an experience that is literally orgasmic.

And while many people are afraid to pay a visit to the oh-so-dirty south, I’m here to let you know that that’s totally all right. I get it. I know how you feel, but as a gay man, my v-card was going to be swiped up the rear by default and you know what I’ve learned from the whole experience? Once you go crack, you never go back. But how do you go about trying it in the first place?

The number of people I know who want to try anal but just don’t know to go about doing it is crazy. It seems like every day, someone is asking me how to do the dirty — literally — and for those I’ve enlightened, rewards literally came. The information I’m about to share with you is historically proven to make you way more than a person’s one-night-stand and has been tried, tested and perfected quite a bit over the years. So take a deep breath, throw your preconceived notions about anal out the window and prepare yourself, because I’m going to be your guide through the back door.



By nature anal play requires a little prep — no one wants to find chocolate M&Ms in the bedroom, and some anal play requires cleanliness for the sake of safety. No more than four hours before sex, use the restroom and make sure you are wiped, clean and ready to go down there. If you’re extra anal, wash out the inside of your rectum at the end of a hot shower when your anal sphincters are relaxed.


Fun Fact:

You have two anal sphincter muscles that control the opening of your anus. You can voluntarily control the outer sphincter, but the inner sphincter is controlled by the involuntary nervous system and clenches in response to stress.



Because anal touching, licking, kissing or fucking might be a new experience for your partner, keep good lines of communication open and make sure he/she is comfortable with what you are about to do.



If you really want to spice up the moments leading up to sex, try anal foreplay! A rim job involves spreading your partner’s butt cheeks apart and licking the rim of the anus … it might sound weird, but rim jobs create some of the most powerful sensations that the body can experience. If you’re a little turned off by A2M (ass-to-mouth), try stroking the area lightly with your fingers instead. With a male partner, you’ll win extra points if you tickle the fold of skin along his perineum, occasionally moving towards his sack … once you notice him squirming in pleasure, you know you’re doing it right.


Lubricant and Condoms:

If you feel ready to go to the next level with your anal play, make sure you have lubricant and condoms. While any water-based lubricant will do, I suggest Astroglide for its the long-lasting and slick consistency. As for condoms, avoid flavored or “sensation-inducing” types. Your rectum is lined with very sensitive skin, and it’s best to stick with basic latex rubbers to ensure both safety and comfort.



Make sure that the receiving partner’s anus is well-lubricated and that he/she feels relaxed … again, one of your sphincters is controlled by the stress response, so in a sense, you have to want to receive for this to work (girls who’ve experienced accidental dick-slips get why). To begin, slowly stick one lubricated finger into the anus, gliding it in and out to simulate gentle sex. When your partner feels comfortable with this, add more fingers until he/she is prepared for the “D.” Once in, have fun! Anal ejaculation is completely safe and don’t be afraid to experiment with your own positions to keep things exciting!


Ultimately, anal sex really is one of the most thrilling ways to pleasure your partner. Boy or girl, gay or straight, if you’re sick of the ol’ missionary, over the reverse cowgirl or done with doggy style, run to CVS, grab your favorite lube, throw on a rubber and spice up your sex life! There’s an unexpected item in the bagging area, but guess what, you like it.

Matt Togni is currently on his way to the nearest CVS.

Views expressed on the Opinion page do not necessarily reflect those of the Daily Nexus or UCSB. Opinions are submitted primarily by students.
A version of this article appeared in the Wednesday, November 13, 2013 print edition of the Daily Nexus.