‘Sup out-of-towners! Yeah, we know you’re here. We’re past the stage of denial and are now dipping our toes into the realms of acceptance … mostly because we know that even if we did stand here and tell you to leave, you wouldn’t listen. So, in the very minute, off chance that you, for whatever reason, happen to grab a Daily Nexus while wandering around our little slice of heaven, we’re going to go ahead and help you guys out by laying down some ground rules for your own sake, so that you don’t get ticketed, get arrested, hurt yourself, hurt anyone else or trash our property.

1. If you just got here, and you thought you lucked out because you found the perfect parking spot right on Del Playa, you’d better run your ass back to your car and move it. You have until 3 p.m. today to get your car off of DP, 6500 block of Trigo and the Loop. We’re sure there are signs posted everywhere, but if for some reason you ignored those and yet picked up a local newspaper, consider yourself lucky. If you read this at 4:30 p.m., we’re sorry for your probable loss. Accept that your car’s impounded and deal with it tomorrow.

2. We know that your Batman costume is going to be totally lame and incomplete without it, but don’t wear a mask. If you’re Thor, don’t carry a hammer. If you’re Jason, don’t have a chainsaw. Why do you have a chainsaw? Put that away. Put it all away, masks, props, everything. You’re going to get it confiscated, probably while you’re intoxicated and in that state, it’s best to deal with IVFP and crew as little as possible.

3. The world is not your urinal. This pertains to cars, houses, gutters, parking lots, the ocean, etc. … if it’s not white and porcelain, don’t pee on it. Very simple. Besides the fact that no one wants to see your junk and no one wants to smell piss all night, there’s also the fact that if you get caught by the po-po, you’re gonna be slapped with a citation. That’s right boys (and ballsy girls), you’ll get slapped with a ticket of about $270 for public urination. We swear, for $300, you can hold it.

4. Don’t harass girls. Actually, don’t harass anyone. This all should be very obvious, seeing as that it’s human decency. But just know that girls are probably your key to the few parties you might be able to get into, and cat-calling, whistling, touching … all no-no’s. Not only are you a huge dick who’s definitely not getting invited to any parties, but if any of the endless flocks of police see you, you’ll mostly likely get a ticket or a warning at the least.

5.  We know you’re all aspiring DJ’s and you have pretty sick taste in music, but if you go into a house, don’t take control of the music. Don’t complain that it’s not loud enough either. There are strict ordinances in effect that pertain to the volume of the music we can play, and if you go into a house and crank that knob all the way up, we’re not going to be happy campers. Trust us, we don’t like this rule either, but we’re all trying to avoid tickets here.

6. Keep yourself in check when you’re out and about. Everyone always thinks that they won’t be the one to get the “drunk in public” ticket, since there’s always someone who’s more scenic than you are. However, this year we have law enforcement coming in from all over Southern California to patrol the streets; don’t be too loud, don’t pick fights and don’t sit on the curbs. Sometimes, shit happens; you trip one time or you pick a bad time to throw up and you might be looking at a ticket or a trip to the drunk tank, and that sucks. But to the best of your ability, try to keep yourself together and you’ll probably be fine.

7. Don’t carry an open container. This isn’t Vegas or New Orleans and you will get caught. A friend once thought he could conceal a water bottle in the baggy pants of his costume … NOPE. These cops can spot that from a mile away. All that happened was that he went home $200 poorer. Not worth a water bottle full of warm vodka. Just keep that good stuff in the fridge for later, if you’re not sleeping in your car.

8. Please don’t steal. Please. If you’re lucky enough to be invited into someone’s house, show a little respect. We all get those kleptomaniac tendencies when we drink, but please just suppress them for this weekend. Please.

9. Most importantly, be smart. Don’t mix drugs and alcohol, and don’t go over your limit on anything. Don’t think that just because you’re in Isla Vista, you have to go super hard to prove yourself. You’re in a new place, and there’s a lot of shit going on around you. We guarantee you that even if you go easy, you’re going to have a good time.

As much as we hate to admit it, you guys do spice things up for us every year. We’ve got to hand it to you: You’ve helped us to the No. 2 spot on the Princeton Review’s List of Top Party Schools. In return, we’re essentially throwing you this huge party. But if you don’t want Halloween to go the way of Floatopia, you all have got to stop trashing our town. If we can come to that simple understanding, we’re gonna get along just fiiiine.

Emile Nelson and Allyson Campion are Opinion Co-Editors.

Views expressed on the Opinion page do not necessarily reflect those of the Daily Nexus or UCSB. Opinions are submitted primarily by students.
A version of this article appeared in the Thursday, October 31, 2013 print edition of the Daily Nexus.