The standards that girls and guys hold each other to are very different when it comes to evaluating the attractiveness of a potential partner. Traditionally, women are expected to be groomed, cleaned, styled, primped and prepared from eyelash to toenail. Consider women’s hairstyles alone: there’s the length, color, style and occasional accessory. Ladies will spend countless hours in front of the damned 360-degree full-length mirror, perfecting their reflections until they feel like someone off the latest cover of Vogue … and that’s just for a quick trip to the DLG. Obviously, this is an exaggeration, but the clothes we wear, the makeup we put on and what perfume we use are all factors that are being analyzed each time we leave the house.

Although the basic standards for guys are much less demanding, many still struggle with taking the deceptively simple steps necessary to get laid. Generally speaking, men have a much shorter list of things they have to do to get a partner’s attention, but that doesn’t mean that these few things aren’t just as vital. For the guys who have either mastered the outdoorsy vibe that drives some people wild, have guitars strapped to their backs or drive Bugattis, water through the hair and the occasional shave will suffice. However, for the remaining 99.99% of men, there are certain prerequisites that must be fulfilled before anyone will seriously consider you for their favorite position.

So here is a starter’s guide for those of you who don’t know the difference between shampoo and conditioner – there is one, by the way. You guys can thank me later, when someone, if not a plethora of someones, is suddenly dying to hop into your (hopefully clean) sheets.New Image


The Proper Pants

Finding a pair of jeans or shorts (mutually exclusive options, boys … jorts will get you nowhere) that fit you well is not an art. It’s as basic as asking a store clerk, “Hey, do these fit?” Pick something simple that works for you; less is almost always more. I know the end goal is to get someone in your pants, but if you can literally fit them inside while still wearing said pants, it might be time to go for a slimmer fit. That being said, make sure your jeans aren’t so tight that they cut off circulation to the parts that need it most – find a happy medium so you can make your medium happy.


Clean Up, So You Can Clean Up

Basic rule of thumb: If your grandmother wouldn’t approve of your living conditions, chances are, neither will your partner. Do the dishes, pick up your dirty clothes (or at least hide them well), hell, maybe you could even do your laundry. Basically, if your place is so dirty that you don’t want to be there, what makes you think that your partner is going to feel any different?


Do the ’Do or Chop the Mop

It doesn’t take much time to throw some type of product in your hair to at least make it look like you tried. With great hair comes great responsibility. And if you simply can’t muster up the energy to show it the respect it deserves, throw on a tasteful hat (three-gallon maximum). If long hair is too much of a commitment and you just can’t find the right hat, don’t be afraid to get your buzz on.


If I Can Taste It, It’s Too Much

Once the previous steps have helped you get a date, don’t expect that the smell of your Irish Spring bar soap is going to wow them into your arms. Using soap is a great start, don’t get me wrong, but once you’re out of the shower, a spray or two of something that doesn’t come in a can will definitely give you an advantage. Ditch the Axe and invest in a glass bottle. But make it last – use sparingly.


Be Minty Fresh

Few things are more disappointing than getting excited and intimate, only to inhale your partner’s dinner breath. No one wants sloppy seconds from your egg salad sandwich. Brush your teeth, eat a mint, chew some gum or use mouthwash … we really don’t care. Keep your dinner a mystery and you just might get dessert.


Chivalry: Back with a Vengeance

Okay, so it’s old-fashioned, but everyone loves a knight in shining armor. Hold the door open, offer up your jacket on those cold nights, give a compliment here and there and remember that the occasional bouquet of flowers never hurt anybody. Go the extra mile so that they will too.


If these ideas sound scary or revolutionary, you’re probably the guy who has the most to learn from them. These are pretty simple concepts and although there’s never a guarantee that you’re going to get some, I can just about promise you that if you neglect to follow these steps, the odds will never be in your favor.

Haley K. never leaves the house without a fresh mani/pedi, a double coat of lip gloss, the perfect balance of bronzer and blush, and exactly seven spritzes of Daisy by Marc Jacobs. 

A version of this article appeared on page 8 of the June 26, 2013 print edition of the Daily Nexus.
Views expressed on the Opinion page do not necessarily reflect those of the Daily Nexus or UCSB. Opinions are submitted primarily by students.