As a man in Isla Vista, I ask “what is wrong with a little experience?” Am I the only one turned off by virgins? Am I the only one who wants satisfaction without having to give a seminar on oral pleasure? While I think that might be a fantastic seminar to put on in I.V., I don’t want to have to give you a PowerPoint presentation before you throw me down and get me all hot ’n’ bothered. While I understand the double standard of a promiscuous woman being called a whore while a similarly experienced man is known as a stud, there are things in life more important than labels.

What’s in a name anyway? That which we call your rose by any other name would taste just as … well, I will leave that adjective to your wildest imagination. I guess deep-down inside I am more hesitant to bury my nose in your yoo-hoo if I think I’m the 100th person to do so, but that’s probably more a result of the fear that someone has satisfied you more thoroughly. It should be a learning experience to tweak your techniques if your partner is experienced. It is damn near the duty of those intelligent enough to engage in frequent expressions of carnal desire to spread their knowledge, and by god is that duty frustrating and exhausting. All I am trying to say is next time you go to spread the bliss of lustful pleasure, remember that no one likes a rookie. Veterans of the sex game are more than willing to teach you a thing or two, but damn it’s sexy when your partner has a few tricks.

Nobody wants to see sausage made, but everyone wants their sausage properly laid. So help the world by teaching an FT freshman how to keep you coming back for that thing they do with their tongue while they grab your left toe and enjoy the ride when your partner has some experience. They just might have a trademarked move that you will never forget (e.g.: The Chrome Dome™).

Dylan D. has been known to stick his nose in other people’s business.


This article appeared online only at on Friday, May 31, 2013
Views expressed on the Opinion page do not necessarily reflect those of the Daily Nexus or UCSB. Opinions are submitted primarily by students.