To Hump, or not to Hump: that is the question.



Hers: Tread carefully here, fellow humper. Sure, you might run into that hunky hulk in the workplace, but odds are that your choice of lover from such an enclosed setting will be risqué, unnecessary and reputation-ruining. Kudos to you if the office adventure blossoms into a beatific bond, but try to steer away from potential gossip and awkward encounters in a place in which you wish to excel professionally.

His: Ask yourself one question: Is there a future for you where you’re working? If yes, you two are probably going to be seeing each other everyday for years to come, so don’t get sensual. But if you’re just working at the local McDonald’s while you’re home for summer, and she’s giving you the signs … ain’t nothing wrong with a little bump ‘n grind.



Hers: Ah, this one can get sticky. Have a feel — actually, have a good grope — for your pal’s “friends with benefits” mindset. Set guidelines. Unless you don’t give a flying fuck how your relationship with the amorous amigo turns out post-naughtiness, then be sure you differentiate emotional intimacy from skin-timacy. Have fun, but know what you want. Sometimes seeing the banging buddy get along well with your friends and family can shoot you straight into a world of feelings and attachment. And that, my reader, is when the stickiness doesn’t wash off.

His: If she’s close enough to know your family dog’s name is Harvey Dent, you would have to gamble your friendship on whether or not you two will work as a couple. Chances are you will not be able to have casual sex with that kind of pre-existing emotional attachment; you’ll either become a great couple or just an awkward pair of people who have now seen each other naked and don’t know how to feel about it.


First Date

Hers: The questions I would ask are: “How horny are you?” and “How inhumanly irresistible is your date?” I must admit that I’ve committed the first date love-makin’ once before. The relationship that ensued was beautiful, but the physicality diluted the mental connection we shared. So let’s make this a no-no. If you want that bod, just ask for the bod. If you can’t get that bod, then that’s not my problem.

His: Unless you’re 2 Chainz and you “love bad bitches” and that’s your “fuckin’ problem,” you’ll most likely agree that it’s risky to light the candles and whip out the Marvin Gaye on day one for a couple of reasons.

1. Sleaze factor: You can’t help but wonder that if she’s ready for me on day one, who else is getting this kind of treatment?

2. The Natural Order: It’s much easier to become friends before the first hump than it is to try to go back and get to know each other afterwards. You might feel satisfied, but you’ll probably never know if she shares your love for Batman.

Just think if you’re in it for tonight or tomorrow.



Hers: For me, kissing competency is a huge turn on or off factor. Slobber fest in my mouth? Good bye and good riddance. But for the others who don’t predestine their party sexcapades by an oral ultimatum, I say, “Why not?” Check for lumps and sores, make sure the condom is on, and let your inner beast free.

His: It’s rare to hear people say, “thank god for what I did last night” after a sloppy hookup in I.V. Don’t ruin your reputation over a drunken, possibly infectious and probably terrible one-nighter. Unless you’re just out looking for a crazy night and sure that you won’t be leaving with any new diseases, I say keep it safely stowed. That is, of course, unless you’re 2 Chainz.



Hers: There’s a reason why you two broke up in the first place. Hold firm and demand some respect for yourself; there are plenty of other (better) fish in the sea. Unless you both have engaged in major self-improvement, chances are that if the relationship didn’t work the first time, it won’t work the second. But if you’re not trying to get back at what you let go and all you want is a thrustin’ thrill, just keep in mind that he’s filling you now, but he don’t fulfill you.

His: Think of yourself and your ex as pieces of silly putty. No matter how many times you separate, as soon as you touch each other new strings of connected putty are going to try to hold you two together. Unless you definitely want to get back together, or you love a dramatic lifestyle, don’t mix your putty with putties of the past.


Best Friends’ Exes

Hers: I see no problem in this. If you’ve got the feels for your homie’s ex — and these are real feels, mind you — then go for it. Communicate with your bestie, gauge her reactions, be sensitive toward her thoughts and if the green’s a-go, you press that gas pedal. As they say, one man’s trash is another man’s treasure. It wouldn’t be fair to discriminate against the treasure based on who it first belonged to, now would it?

His: If you’ve got an itch that nothing but your best friend‘s ex can scratch, talk to your friend, think about the awkwardness and finally consider the fact that your best friend spent a good deal of time riding that very same rollercoaster that you’re now waiting in line for. Hopefully by the time you’ve pondered these things, you’ll have realized that it is just a god-awful idea. If you’re still like “Meh, I bet it’d be just fine,” you’re ignorant. Don’t be stupid.

R. Pengsta and E. Nasty are breakin’ it down, one topic at a time.

Views expressed on the Opinion page do not necessarily reflect those of the Daily Nexus or UCSB. Opinions are submitted primarily by students.


A version of this article appeared on page 12 of the Wednesday, May 15, 2013 print edition of the Nexus.