“Not screaming euphoric hallelujahs during intercourse, ladies? Here are tips for a thirst-quenching, tsunami wave-surging orgasm—guaranteed.”

It wasn’t written like this, but that’s what the headline looked like to me when my eyes saw it peeking out from the insides of my housemate’s Cosmopolitan. Now, let’s be honest. The normal realists and the cautious commoners would look upon that magazine headline and laugh, scoff and toss the floppy fuck away. But not I. I fell for it.

As expected, it wasn’t helpful, but I did come across this statistic: “30 percent of girls experience orgasms during actual intercourse.” My first thought was, “Kudos to the 30.” And then, “Shit. Welcome to the 70 percent, love.”

I know a good portion of girls out there can reach that body-wracking high note of physical euphoria as their man plunges in and out of their wet and willing love hole. And then, yes, some may be blessed with that practiced partner or just a very patient lover who can stroke or lick them to satisfaction. But the rest of us 70 percent-ers (unlucky souls who have to deal with a steep and promising build-up, only to come to the stomach-dropping realization that no, we won’t be getting off tonight) know that once he is done, the whole sex session is done.

It’d be nice to say that there really shouldn’t be any reason as to why 70 percent of women don’t reach orgasms during their sex-ventures, but that would be a lie. Of course there are reasons, and I’m going to break some down for you:

1. Girls take much longer to orgasm. Come on, we all know this. Unless the lady pal sports some seriously sensitive sensors, which could, mind you, be both a blessing and a curse, the man must be mentally prepared to spend anywhere from 10 to 30 to 60 minutes on their woman, depending on multiple factors such as the guy’s skill, the girl’s arousability and the level of communication. It’s an investment, yes, but hey, it’s worth it. (Although, I’d like to note that when you please your women, males—and females!—of this planet, they are much more likely to reciprocate your well-spent time and effort. And that could mean many, many things.)

2. Now I’m not saying this applies to all women, but quite a few of them won’t speak their minds. Maybe it’s due to societal pressure or expectations. Maybe it’s something fostered from the get-go, from 5th grade education on menstrual cycles to 7th grade sex-ed. Guys are more accepted as the Dora Explorers of their sexual preferences and expression of their sexual needs (ironically, I use a female reference). Why is this the case, especially since a lot of men find it hot when their women tell them what to do or take initiative to show how they turn themselves on, and consequently become hard, ready and very much on fire themselves? But that’s exactly the problem.

3. Here’s why: Many girls are too embarrassed to vocalize their needs, either because a) they don’t want to bruise their man’s ego, b) hell, half of them probably haven’t experimented with themselves enough to know what they like until the guy decides to test it out, and c) you know those grunts and groans and bone-shaking, scream-inducing peaks of passion commonly witnessed in porn, erotica and even romanticized stories from fellow peers? Yeah, they’re usually not accurate. Forget those one-night stands with the fuck-and-flee horndogs; even with regular, well-acquainted lovers, these scenes might still not see the light of day. Nevertheless, girls perceive this to be the norm and, hence, feel scared to admit that they didn’t experience that out-of-this-world sensation. They may feel inadequate; they may think themselves “annoying” and a “sexual hassle” or they may feel “not intense enough.” Regardless, they still aren’t getting that orgasm, and that’s that.

4. And, frankly, if you just want to cut it down to the blunt and bare: it’s mental, and the girl isn’t feeling it now. By that point, sometimes it’s just too plain fucking awkward for the more soft-spoken, or any-spoken for that matter, to explicitly declare “I put two fingers by the side of my clit and move them like I’m playing a piano trill” or “Can you rub your palm on the top and then curl your middle and ringfingers into a u-shape and sort of press there—no wait, there, ah—I mean, no not like that—wait, ugh, stop.” Right. Maybe not.

Of course, there are multiple ways to go about this, and I have yet to perfect this deal myself. First, however, foreplay must not be ignored. Watch some steamy videos, engage in long-desired fantasies, talk dirty. Anything that works because, after all, a good portion of sex is mental. Furthermore, angles matter. It is said that two inches is actually enough to take the girl to her heavenly heights due to the fact that most of her nerves are bundled up toward the entrance of the vagina.

Most often than not, however, the biggest solution to the neglected climax is just forcing yourself to communicate. I hate telling any woman to “man up” because that phrase is atrociously incorrect in more ways than one, but in the figurative sense behind the phrase, yes, toughen up that resolve. Lift up that chin. Life normally won’t hand you gems and jewels in a treasure chest; it just chucks you little poop pellets. Therefore, as is logical, we need to shake off that nervous hesitation and be strong with stating what we want, what we need and what will make us happy.

So, 70 percent, I challenge you. Maybe that “thirst-quenching, tsunami wave-surging” orgasm won’t come right away, but it’s definitely there, lurking on the horizon.

R. Pengsta: Pussy poppin’ her way to the 30 percent.


Views expressed on the Opinion page do not necessarily reflect those of the Daily Nexus or UCSB. Opinions are submitted by primarily by students.

A version of this article appeared on page 11 of the Wednesday, April 10, 2013 print edition of the Nexus.