With the approaching Presidential election in two weeks, I decided to devote this issue to the Presidential candidates and their assorted approaches on drug policy. After three debates between President Obama and Mitt Romney (in addition to three devastating debate drinking games), we’ve seen heated discourse on nearly every political subject but drug control policy. Also, for those who don’t know that there are more than two choices for President, I included Gary Johnson and Jill Stein in today’s drug discussion. To save you, my precious reader, time and effort I will now sarcastically outline each of the candidate’s positions on drug use, control and spending:

Mitt Romney (Republican Party):

Like any other issue on the political spectrum, Romney has successfully avoided taking a clear stance on drug policy. So, without any clear facts on his policy, I’m simply going to make some shit up! We do know from his record as the Governor of Massachusetts, however, that Romney boldly said “no” to the idea of ever legalizing marijuana. Instead, he suggested offering synthetic substitutes for cancer patients …since giving terminally ill cancer patients synthetic substitutes like “K2 Spice” sounds like a great idea. Romney has alluded that he would not decrease the amount of money spent on drug enforcement and incarceration. Similarly, in Massachusetts, he opposed efforts to enact harm reduction programs, like providing sterilized needles to heroin addicts. Lastly, based off his Mormon faith, if Romney is elected, all alcoholic and caffeinated beverages will officially be banned from White House premises.

For more information on why you should vote for Romney, send a telegram to your grandparents, visit Foxnews.com or talk to the one college student planning to vote for Romney.

Gary Johnson (Libertarian Party):

Representing the Libertarian Party, Johnson gives “exactly zero fucks” about which drugs you consume in the confines of your private home, unless there’s a search warrant. In reality, Johnson has strongly advocated ending the War on Drugs, comparing it to the Prohibition of alcohol. Unlike Obama and Romney, he wishes to decriminalize marijuana, and allow states to choose whether they wish to make weed legal. This would allow for states like Colorado, Oregon and Washington to legalize marijuana on the state ballot without officially violating federal law. Johnson promotes allowing health experts deal with hard drug abuse rather than clogging prisons and the judicial systems with drug addicts. On the same note, Johnson supports harm reduction programs, as opposed to drug enforcement and incarceration policies.

For more information on Johnson’s platform, visit: garyjohnson2012.com

Barack Obama (Democratic Party):

Barry Smoke-O’s boasts a pretty moderate position on drug policy for someone who has pictures circulating in cyberspace of his college-age self smoking weed. Instead of viewing drug addiction as Mormon — I mean — moral failure, Obama’s platform suggests addiction is a problem of the brain. In terms of federal spending, in 2012, the Office of Drug Control spent approximately $10.1 billion towards prevention and treatment and $9.4 billion on enforcement and incarceration. Additionally, Obama has mentioned that pursuing medical marijuana dispensaries is not on his political agenda, and he has likewise discouraged the Department of Justice to pursue dispensaries. That said, in April of this year, DEA agents raided a number of medical dispensaries in Oakland, including the notorious “Weed College,” known as Oaksterdam University.

For more information on why you should vote for Obama, visit: MSNBC.com, social media aggregates like Reddit.com, Huffingtonpost.com or your college roommate.

Jill Stein (Green, Pot-Smoking Party’s Party):

This one is a no brainer; Stein, the representative of the Green Party, runs on a bold platform which dictates that every citizen is required to smoke three bowls upon her election to the Presidency. Additionally, once the smoke clears the White House will be refurbished with a fresh coating of tie dye paint, and its garden will be transformed into an outdoor grow-op to the offset the growing national debt. Okay, that was a lie, but Stein’s position is definitely the most weed-friendly of all the candidates. Being the radical hippy she is, Stein wishes to eliminate the War on Drugs, and instead divert drug control spending into public health funds devoted to treating drug abuse. In addition, she wishes to immediately legalize medical marijuana and permit legal medical Mary Jane sales under suitable regulatory framework. Or, in other words, upon her election approximately half of all domestic Starbucks locations will be transformed into medical marijuana dispensaries.

For more information on Stein’s platform, visit: jillstein.org

Michael Roe plans to roll his voter guide into a fat blunt after he casts his ballot like a responsible American citizen.