At first they tried Papa Bear Cain’s porridge, but it was a little too strange with that weird pizza-flavored aftertaste. Then they tried Mama Bear Romney’s porridge, but it was a little too watered down and had that disturbing, corporate smell. They even tried Uncle Bear Perry’s famous Texas porridge, but when they went for a second bite he accidentally knocked his bowl off the table. Oops.

Now they’ve tasted Baby Bear Newt Gingrich’s porridge and mmmm, mmmm! A delicious blend of fiscal and social conservatism, a brash personality and public and private sector experience to boot! Maybe Newt Gingrich’s porridge will be juuuuuust right. Little do they know that Newt’s secret ingredient is rat poison: The man is not electable in any way, shape, or form.

On Saturday, the Republicans made Newt Gingrich the landslide winner of the South Carolina primary. By doing so, they ensured that Mitt Romney will not coast to the nomination like he was hoping. But this is more than the usual flirtatious game of footsie that the Republicans like to play with any candidate not named Mitt or Romney; the winner of the South Carolina Republican primary has gone on to be the party’s nominee in every presidential election since 1980. That means that Republicans are seriously considering having Newt Gingrich go up against President Obama in 2012.

If you are an Obama supporter, this is great news. For you Republicans, this is a complete disaster, whether you realize it or not.

Here is a rundown of some of the scandals and hypocrisies committed by the ex-Speaker of the House that Democrats will use to tear him to pieces if he is the nominee:

1980: Newt Gingrich divorced his first wife (his ex-high school geometry teacher who he married when he was 19) while she was recovering from cancer surgery. According to L.H. Carter, a past campaign treasurer for Gingrich, the presidential hopeful said at the time that “she’s not young enough or pretty enough to be the wife of the president. And besides, she has cancer.

1992: Newt Gingrich was among the 450 members of Congress involved in the House Banking scandal; Newt himself bounced 22 checks, including a $9,463 check to the IRS in 1990.

1993: Newt Gingrich began his affair with Callista Bisek, a congressional staffer 23 years younger than him, who would eventually become his third wife.

In a 1996 memo for GOPAC (a Republican political training organization), then-Speaker of the House Gingrich encouraged fellow Republicans to “speak like Newt” and use words like “corrupt,” “greed,” “hypocrisy,” “sick” and “traitors” when describing Democrats.

Newt Gingrich played a central role in the federal government shutdowns of 1995 and 1996.

1997: Newt Gingrich became the first Speaker of the House ever to be punished by the House for ethics violations such as using a tax-exempt college course he was teaching at the time, called “Renewing American Civilization,” to further his own political agenda.

1997: The Republicans forced Gingrich out of his position as Speaker of the House over leadership issues and his tarnished public image posing a liability for the party.

1998: Newt Gingrich pushed for the impeachment of President Clinton and criticized him heavily for his involvement with Monica Lewinsky while at the same time continuing his affair with Bisek. In a recent interview, Gingrich’s second wife, Marianne Ginther, claimed that Gingrich asked her to have an “open marriage” where he would be shared by Ginther and Bisek.

2011: It became apparent that Gingrich received $1.6 million from federally-backed mortgage giant Freddie Mac, which came under intense scrutiny for its role in the creation of the subprime crisis. According to a Bloomberg news report, Gingrich offered “consulting services” dating back to 1999, which actually consisted of lobbying fellow Republicans in Congress to support Freddie Mac and its policies.

Be careful what you wish for, Republicans. Newt Gingrich might look like a loveable, conservative Pillsbury doughboy, but he is a campaign disaster waiting to happen.

Daily Nexus columnist Riley Schenck tried Newt Gingrich’s porridge, but fortunately spit it out before the arsenic could get to him.