Rather than lament on apocalypses or rhapsodize about a bright and shiny bang that leaves all sinners in its wake, this article is a practical guide to a practical movie, which in turn is a practical guide for readers like you. How do we go about surviving the chaos that may result after the world’s alleged end (see: Mayan calendar)? Just ask “Zombieland.”

For those who do not remember, the film features performances by the ever talented Jesse Eisenberg (or Mark Zuckerberg in “The Social Network,” which may have some involvement in the Earth’s demise considering “Timeline” is probably set to terminate for everyone at exact the same point in their personal history), the lovely Emma Stone of “Easy A” fame, Woody Harrelson of “EDtv” and Abigail Breslin of “Little Miss Sunshine.”

For those who have not yet had the opportunity to enjoy “Zombieland,” I’d highly recommend it for a variety of reasons:

a) Triumph of the human spirit: Despite all odds, our two heroines, Wichita and Little Rock (Stone and Breslin, sisters in the film), do arrive at their ultimate destination, even if it does happen to be overwhelmed by flesh-eating sub-humans. And yes, awkwardly cute Columbus (Eisenberg) does get the hot girl! See what I mean? Triumph.

b) Highly zen instructional advice on a fictitious (yet probably impending) future: Columbus is uncannily precocious, calmly offering tidbits such as “the First Rule of Zombieland”: Cardio (This is something that I am sure will resonate with post-New Years’ Americans everywhere as they set out to become their “new you!”) Wise words are also offered by Harrelson’s character Tallahassee in the extremely relevant: “Nut up or shut up.”

c) Overall smashing good time: The film features great appearances by Bill Murray (“Ghostbusters”)

and Amber Heard (“The Rum Diary”). There is also the

literal smashing of a milieu of objects (and people).

Finally, there is the lovely soundtrack, featuring rocking artists such as the Velvet Underground and the Black Keys.

Ultimately, “Zombieland” is not just some zombie movie filled with sharp one-liners and pleasantly absurd sequences of gore. No, “Zombieland” is a blueprint for the twisted world we currently inhabit: one scheduled to burst into flames after 2012’s timer runs out of sand. If, as Columbus says, “we’re all orphans in Zombieland,” then wouldn’t we be wise to take Columbus’ sage advice?

“In those moments where you’re not quite sure if the undead are really dead, don’t get all stingy with your bullets. I mean, one more clean shot to the head, and this lady could have avoided becoming a human Happy Meal. Woulda … coulda … shoulda.”

So go forth into 2012, enjoy “the end times,” and prepare yourself for the shots you may have to fire when all your decent friends are raptured away.

And remember, kids: “Cardio.”