So you’ve finally made it, eh? You’ve pillaged Target’s college dorm aisle, awkwardly reached out to your future roommate in hopes of coordinating your bedspread and outfitted your whole extended family in UCSB garb. Some of you have probably already contacted your best friend’s older brother’s second cousin, landing yourself a go-to booze provider for the year.
Congratulations, you’ve been bold. But we’ll let you in on a secret: We already know who you are. Among a sea of veterans, your orientation bags stick out like miniature Storke Towers. (Don’t know what Storke Tower is? Precious.) As a freshman, a lot of things are just inevitable, like being nailed in the face by a water balloon on your way to party in I.V. However, if you want to reduce your chances of detection, there are some things you can do — namely, avoid the following:
Migrating from the dorms to I.V. in packs of 10-20.
Keeping your keys and/or Access Card on a UCSB lanyard that is visible at all times (especially worn around the neck).
Biking on DP on any Thursday, Friday or Saturday night.
Eating Freebirds while sober or during normal waking hours, unless you are drunk during normal waking hours. (Acceptable.)
Repeatedly circling the roundabouts on your bike because you don’t know how to get out or just find it funny.
Walking on the bike paths.
Attending Surf Club or Snow Club parties because “everyone in the dorms is going.”
Taking excessive notes about the cheating policy and extra credit opportunities on the first day of class.
Reading your syllabus.
Stopping people in the streets to ask them how to get to “Del Playa.” (Also see #23.)
Sporting two or more UCSB clothing items at a time, especially if one of them is from orientation.
Loudly exclaiming, “Dude, the girls are so hot!” or “I can’t believe we go to school on the beach!” in any public or semi-public place.
Making out with three or more people in one night … at one party.
Explaining to people that your high school relationship will last through college because you’re “really in love.”
Taking several hundred photos of the same people every weekend and posting them on Facebook with captions like “the crew” or “the girls.”
Taking photos in your dorm room, dorm bathroom, dorm lounge, dorm elevator … you get the point.
Saying anything along the lines of “these are the best years of our lives” while any human being is in earshot.
Posting Facebook statuses about being drunk, or falling off of your lofted bed while drunk.
Thinking CSOs have any real authority.
Referring to your professors as “teachers” out of habit.
Trying to befriend a 21-year-old who will buy you alcohol (and, if achieved, stockpiling handles of Taaka under your bed).
Asking people to start calling you by your middle name or attempting to “go indie.”
Mispronouncing street names. (Hint: Sabado: Saw-buh-dough; Pasado: Puh-saw-dough. As for El Colegio … Well, that’s just funny as hell to hear. Good luck.)
Saying “I wish they’d bring Floatopia back” even though you’ve never been to one and don’t really know what it is.
Gaining the Freshman 15. You say “nah,” DLG says differently.
This may seem overwhelming, but take comfort in the fact that we’ve all been there (with photos to prove it). As your editorial staff, we understand that, for this year, “freshman” is not just a title, but a way of life. And we won’t lie to you, at least once a week we hear someone say, “Damn, I wish I were still a freshman.” So relish in it. If you’re stupidly proud to be the freshest on campus, wear that lanyard, rep your dorm in every photo album and rock that extra 15 pounds of glory. We sure as hell did.
Daily Nexus opinion editors Jana Barrett and Jenna Ryan were recently spotted at the dorms luring freshmen with Taaka handles and then demanding they BARC them into the dining hall.