Masturbating is part of my everyday life. I’ve got that thing down to a science. I don’t even need to be horny to beat off. I’ll do it just because I’m bored and there’s nothing good on TV. For guys, masturbation is a way of life. We need it to function in this world. It’s more essential than drinking water. Watch the director’s cut of “127 Hours” and you’ll see James Franco beating off with his free hand every other scene between sips of precious water. After he cut his arm off, you don’t want to know what he did with that thing. Spoiler alert … the movie should have been called “The Stranger.”

Boners have a mind of their own. They’re uncontrollable. It can strike a man at any time, like lightning. Except lightning has it easy. It’s in and out of there. FLASH! And it’s gone. Boners, those guys make their appearance and they just stand there. That thing is going to linger like a broken finger … unless you beat it off and send that little guy back to the flaccid existence from which it came from. Just like our good ol’ friend Jesus, that thing will resurrect itself with a Second Coming — in the next 15 minutes.

Beating off does wonders for me. It’s like an Aderall/sanity pill that I can never overdose on. Before I talk to a girl, rub it out. Before I party, rub it out. Before I go to class, I’ll rub it out. Before I wrote this article, I’m not going to lie — I rubbed it out. And as a reward for finishing the article, I’ll most likely rub it out again later.

Masturbation by itself is completely natural and a necessary means to an end of releasing that testosterone and sexual tension. If you don’t masturbate, your body will literally do it for you while you sleep.

After I masturbate, my logic and reasoning are sharp and centered. Like a born-again Christian, I can see the light. However, not beating off can be more distorting than beer goggles. It’s like having Satan between my legs while he holds my angel hostage in my nut sack. If I don’t masturbate, sanity goes right out the window. I start making compromises and excuses to convince myself of the most ridiculous things: That girl across the room is kinda, actually alright looking or that sending a text message at two in the morning to the girl I met last week on Del Playa Drive is a great idea. Why do you think guys made a “hotness” rating scale and have “standards?” These are sober beacons of truth to hopefully guide the lost, horny individual out of a midnight crisis.

Holding off on masturbation can turn a man’s sanity into a cross-mojonation of horniness and aggression. Next time you’re out on DP at two in the morning on a weekend, watch for the guys walking alone and you can tell pretty easily who beat off that night and who is trying to fight the entire 6500 block.

All you females out there who don’t check your midnight oil might as well go to class all quarter, never open your books and take the final. Sure, some of you can fake your way through it or get a pass/no pass, but the ones who do their homework are the ones who get the honors credit.

In order for a woman to be on her “A” game she has got to know what’s under the hood. The vagina is so fucking complicated as it is. I mean, there’s a lot going on down there with a labia minora and a labia majora and a vulva this and a vulva that. It’s crazy! It can even be accessorized with clit rings. I’m not even kidding, the clit literally has its own built-in designer hoodie. Am I the only one who feels they’re dissecting the pussy like a science experiment?

God’s most complicated piece of equipment and He can’t even give us a direction’s manual or something to go by. He leaves us in the dark like a scrambled GPS. You know a simple commandment would have been nice! Thou shall not insert thy penis into thy wife’s pussy without sufficient foreplay.

Fucking girls who masturbate often and those who don’t are night and day in the sack (or wherever inspiration may strike). How can you expect me to know how to get you off if you don’t even know yourself? The ones who do masturbate often know exactly what gets them off, ride on top far better and cum much faster and harder than girls who don’t masturbate.

So when a guy asks you, “Do you masturbate?” We already know the answer, ladies. Of fucking course you do! We just want to hear you say it so we can go home and beat off to that later. You’re telling me that you have a gaping hole in your body and you’ve never been curious to stick your finger(s), dildos or conspicuously shaped fruits and vegetables up there?! You’re lying behind that queefing little twat of yours. If I had a hole like that, I’d be sticking everything up there. I’d be like Link from the Legend of Zelda just pulling out all sorts of shit like my Orca, class reader, a spare blue book, a 5-hour Energy and of course, some wet naps if there’s room.

Ladies, I’m on your side here. There’s no shame in masturbation. Be patient and the good things will most certainly cum. I want you to unleash the freak within and find what Alice really did down her rabbit hole. Don’t do it for me. Do it for you. Do it for America. Heck, I’ll do it to you doing it to America, right now — I’m totally serious. I’m writing here to tell you ladies, on this soap box (of K-Y Jelly) that the double standard for masturbation is a thing of the past and hoards of dildos are vibrating their way into the future.

The Literary Delicatessen is a fourth-year philosophy major.