Thought cigarettes were the ultimate cancer-sticks? Think again. New research by scientists at UC San Francisco and Ohio State University has revealed that in the United States, performing oral sex may increase your risk of cancer more than smoking tobacco.

The once-benevolent blow job is a leading cause of the human papillomavirus, a disease that research indicates causes more oral, head and neck cancers than tobacco use.

That’s right kids — licking the local Lil Wayne like a lollipop is potentially an even more dangerous game than sucking on a Camel. And, unfortunately for many Isla Vistans, the increase in oropharynx cancer has mainly affected young white men.

For those of you currently on your knees, swallow your fear — there are more harmful things than the dangers of dome. According to the research, those with HPV-related cancer are more likely to survive than people who contract cancer through heavy drinking or smoking.

However, make sure you take the time to wine and dine before you 69. According to Ohio State University’s Dr. Maura Gillison, having more partners puts you at a higher risk factor for these cancers.

“An individual who has six or more lifetime partners — on whom they’ve performed oral sex — has an eightfold increase in risk compared to someone who has never performed oral sex,” Gillison said in a press release.

So feel free to toot your skin flute; you can keep going down, just don’t go six feet under.

— Staff Report