Stupid is as stupid (and Bacardi) does…

Saturday, Feb. 19 —

Deputies were on patrol on the 6500 block of Del Playa Rd. in the wee hours of the morning when they noticed a lone lady stumbling down the street.
The concerned cops asked if the woman knew where she was going, and she assured them that she was going to turn right and continue walking two blocks — which the cops couldn’t help but point out would lead her straight into the ocean.
The sassy chick sloppily snickered, admitted she had four cocktails, some of which mayyyyybe had Bacardi in them.
When officers learned that the drunken damsel in distress was without a cell phone, a benevolent copper offered to help her call a friend. When the little lost lady admitted that she did not know of any to call, the officers asked if she at least knew the address she was trying to find.
“Why would I know the address by heart?” she asked.
She went on to say she was with some friends earlier in the night, but was separated due to a power outage — falling trees are such a buzzkill.
“How could I see anybody?” she asked in all seriousness.
The officers were no longer feeling sorry for this dunce and asked her to recite the alphabet. She huffed and she puffed, but all she could blow out were the letters “ORX, YMZ and WXYMZ.”
According to the police report, the woman could not successfully perform the small task “despite her being in college.”
Officers arrested the boozy bimbo for public intoxication — and for wasting money and resources on higher education — and booked her in Santa Barbara County Jail, where she was housed pending sobriety.

Pants-Off Dance-Off

Wednesday, Feb. 16, 2:43 a.m. —

Isla Vista’s finest were wandering the 6600 block of Trigo Rd. where not a soul was in sight when they noticed a pantless, chilly-looking young man strutting his stuff.
Considering the rain, deputies determined that this man looked a tad out of place.
Officers then approached Captain Underwear and asked him where he lived. The man responded three times with the same string of numbers and no street address. When asked how much he had to drink, he responded he had 16 shots that night, which he said was more than he typically consumes.
Eventually, the officers also had to ask where his pants were. The Undie King had no idea, but said he was a tad cold.
Officers arrested the man and transported him to Santa Barbara County Jail where he was housed, sans pants, pending sobriety.