“Big Brother is watching!”

Friday, September 24, 10:38 a.m. — Three cops were conducting uniformed patrol on the 6500 block of Del Playa when a skateboarder whizzed by holding a partially full Jose Cuervo bottle in his hand. Officers sprang into action, but the deft boarder evaded capture by weaving in and out of pedestrian traffic. Assuming he was a free man, the 22-year-old out-of-towner stopped on the side of the street close to the 6600 block in order to put his bottle in his backpack, where deputies caught up with him.

Inside the busted suspect’s backpack, cops found the opened booze in addition to a prescription bottle with one muscle relaxant pill inside. The prescription was written for a different drug and, to make matters worse, was in a woman’s name.

The belligerent boarder was subsequently placed under arrest, and immediately started shouting that the officers were going to steal his electronics. In a valiant attempt to protect his property, the man lay on the ground and refused to get up. After three minutes, he finally agreed to walk to the transportation area, but not before he managed to spit at the cops and scream, “1984!”

He was transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail where he was housed, pending sobriety.

“Why can’t we be friends?”

Saturday, September 25, 1:38 a.m. — Officers were conducting a bicycle theft investigation on the 6700 block of Trigo Road when an unusual ruckus on Pasado Road drew their attention. Two females were screaming a multitude of creative obscenities such as “fuck you,” “bitch” and “you fucking bitch.”

One of the brawlers, an 18-year-old Isla Vista resident, shouted “bitch” repeatedly at her opponent before punching her square in the face, giving an emphatic “fuck you” and striding off. The officer didn’t let her get far, however, and immediately placed her under arrest.

The now apologetic aggressor immediately expressed her remorse to the victim, and said they were friends. Her compassionate comrade started crying uncontrollably, also admitted that the pair was friends and said she didn’t want law enforcement to take any action.

The cops, apparently unmoved by the touching reconciliation, transported the aggressor to the Santa Barbara County Jail where she was housed.