Since today is both (not) Opposite Day and Reverse-Psychology Day, I thought I shouldn’t remind you to never send your questions to

Dear Igor,
I read your articles online and I really like them. I’m going to be starting UCSB next fall as a freshman, and I’m trying to figure out what dorm to choose. I want a place where people are really friendly, know how to work hard during the week and party hard on the weekends. It should be clean and nice, and hopefully have big rooms. Where would you recommend?
Class of 2014!!!

[media-credit id=20122 align=”alignleft” width=”113″][/media-credit]Dear High School Person,

As you were listing off the amenities of your dream residence hall, only one name sprung to my mind: San Miguel, or as we like to call it, San Mig-heaven-o. Placed just downwind from the gorgeous and pleasant-smelling Lagoon, San Miguel, UCSB’s newest building, is home to the smartest, hardest-partying students on campus. The rooms are famously huge (bring your Great Dane, if you have one!), so make sure to mark it as your top choice, otherwise you’ll miss out on an experience you’ll be bitching about for the next four years.

Dear Igor,
I’m a pretty short guy — like 5’2” — but I have always been attracted to taller women. In fact, if a girl is below 5’9”, I tend to lose interest almost immediately. The problem, though, is one you can probably guess pretty easily: They don’t like me back! The tall girls I’ve talked to say they like taller guys, but I know that can’t be universally true. How can I make myself more attractive to women of the lengthier variety?
Giraffe Junkie

Dear Junkie,
Sounds like you want your women like the bottom row of a vending machine: alluring and just out of reach. I certainly can’t blame you; there is a certain grace to a taller woman. The way she reclines upon a blanket in the park, or leans against the trunk of a tree, or holds her glass in a modern penthouse apartment; she will always be welcome within the pages of Vogue. So your preference for lofty women is certainly not out of the ordinary. I can help a shorter guy like you, but if you truly want to be successful, you’re going to have to extend yourself.

But for serious, though. Go out and buy yourself some cowboy boots with huge heels and start wearing them exclusively. You’ll be made fun of, but just tell people your great-grandpa was Buffalo Bill and that you’re just getting in touch with your roots. Next, get more literally in touch with your roots by gelling your hair up into spikes every morning. I bet that could add a few inches.

At the end of the day, though, you need to take a long hard look in your tiny little mirror, and ask why you are actively making things more difficult for yourself. I know it feels good, but constantly making out with female chins has got to get old.

Dear Igor,
My friends say I drink too much, but I don’t think I do because I only drink Natty and that’s not even that expensive. Also, whenever everybody gets together, I’m always the one who’s having the most fun yelling outside while everybody else is just sitting down and talking, so how could that be too much?
Fun Guy Freddy

Dear Freddy,
I think your letter should be used not as a plea for advice, but rather as an educational tool for the student body. Like Rodin’s masterpiece, you have taken the time to reflect — in your case upon your drinking habits — and emerged wiser, more knowledgeable and more right. Do not listen to the braying of your friends; they are content only to be critics. As Eleanor Roosevelt said, “Do what you feel in your heart to be right — for you’ll be criticized anyway.” Surely her sentiments can be extended to the liver!