Santa Barbara, Represent!

Sun. May 2, 12:45 a.m. — Officers were patrolling the 6600 block of Del Playa Drive when they noticed an especially rude young man yelling at passersby.

“Fuckin’ Santa Barbara fool, what!” screamed the 20-year-old man. When a fellow reveler shot back a response, the intoxicated man yelled back, “Fuck you, fool!”

Isla Vista’s finest wasn’t taking it, however, and took the pugnacious punk by the arm. He responded by saying, “Santa Barbara, born and raised, what!”

The Santa Barbara local said that charges of him challenging others were “bullshit” and told officers, “I don’t give a fuck what you all think.” When asked how much alcohol he had consumed, he responded, “A few.”

Because the rowdy SB rep was both intoxicated and challenging others, deputies arrested him and took him in to the station. On the way, the belligerent brawler apologized and confessed, “I deserved to be arrested; I admit, I was actin’ like a fool.”

The deputies accepted the apology but nonetheless transported him to the Santa Barbara County Jail where he was housed, pending sobriety.

Is that a laptop in your pants or are you just happy to see me?

Sun. May 2, 2:06 a.m. — Deputies responding to a fight near the corner of Camino del Sur and Del Playa Drive were flagged down by Highway Patrol officers, who said they had detained a man in possession of stolen property.

The subject — a 17-year-old male from Santa Barbara — was sitting on the ground with a gray Apple MacBook visibly poking out of the top of his pants.

The clearly intoxicated juvenile said that he did not know where the computer came from and that a stranger had stuffed it down there. When cops handcuffed him and removed the stolen item, he shouted, “I think that’s Erin’s laptop.” Deputies asked him to go get Erin. He agreed, but came back to report that it, in fact, did not belong to Erin.

During the remainder of their time with the feisty thief, officers had to hold him down to prevent him from biting or spitting on them.

The young man was arrested for public intoxication and possession of stolen property and transported to Santa Barbara County Juvenile Hall, where he was housed, pending a beating from mommy.

“I want to be a part of it — New York, New York!”

Sat. May 1, 2:20 a.m. — While on a routine patrol, officers spotted a group of people gathered around an intoxicated female on the 6500 block of Trigo Road.

The group said that they didn’t know the wandering drunk, but had decided to help the sloppy single lady when they saw her staggering alone through the streets.

When the officer asked what her name was, the 22-year-old said, “It doesn’t matter.” She proudly told the deputy that she was from New York, but also had a local address. Hoping not to arrest her, the cops asked if she could call a roommate to assist her home.

That was not the question she wanted to hear, however, and the nostalgic New Yorker told them that she “hated” her roommates, “America,” and “this town.” She then shared that she desired nothing more than to return to Brooklyn.

Officers said they were happy to give her a ride, but Brooklyn was just too far. Instead, the deputies transported her to the Santa Barbara County Jail where she was housed, pending sobriety.