“Excuse me, guys? Yeah, you, come over here for a second. I really need your help. Thanks for stopping.”
“What’s up? What do you need?”
“I’m looking for some ass next year.”
“You need some ass next year? Dude, it’s the beginning of Spring Quarter, I know a party at 6645 DP Saturday night; you’ll be able to lay your lumber this weekend.”
“No, no. I need a lot of ass next year, starting around mid-November.”
“About how much ass are we talking?”
“I don’t know, maybe 4,500 a night.”
“You need 4,500 a night! You’re funny, dude.”
“4,500 a night minimum but I’m hoping to land around 5,000 a night. You think I’m joking? I used to get around that in the late ’80s, early ’90s.”
“Where are you from, buddy?”
“I live in student side over at the UCSB Events Center, also known as the Thunderdome. Been there since 1979.”
“That’s where I recognize you. You’re the bleachers at that place they play basketball games at. I think I’ve met you before.”
“Yeah, I never forget a crack. You went to the North Carolina game a year and a half ago and maybe another game, right?”
“You nailed it.”
“Do you guys know our men’s basketball team won the regular season conference title, Big West Tournament and played in the NCAAs for the first time in seven years?”
“Yeah, I think I heard they finished pretty strong. It’s just every time Santa Barbara played a decent opponent we lost. North Carolina, San Diego State. I even saw us lose to Santa Clara.”
“Yeah, the team lost a few nonconference games at home, but so what? Did you go to the thrilling UNLV victory a couple years ago? Did you know the Gauchos didn’t lose a game at home to anyone in the Big West this year including Long Beach and Poly?”
“Buddy, you seem nice and all but we go to every soccer game, throw tortillas, raise hell and almost never lose at home. We’re always nationally ranked. We’re Soccer Town, USA!”
“I know. I think that’s awesome, really. UCSB has the best soccer crowd in the nation by far, but you can also root for men’s basketball and other programs. The basketball team that went to the NCAA this year is really young. Our two best players, OJ and Nunnally, are only sophomores and have two more years at SB. The Gauchos will be at the top of the conference for at least the next two years, probably more.”
“Dude, basketball season is over and doesn’t start back up for like seven months. Why don’t you hit us up then?”
“I’m just getting an early jump on next season. The crowds at the Thunderdome have been pretty weak as of late. I’d really like to see UCSB regain the glory of decades past as being one of the most boisterous crowds in all of college basketball.”
“Dude, we have to get to class.”
“Ok, ok, just promise me you’ll go to the first few games next season.”
“Alright, we’ll go to the first few games next year, but if we lose or it’s boring, I can’t guarantee we’ll be back.”
“I’m so sick of students saying basketball games are boring at UCSB. Basketball games sure as hell aren’t boring for students at Duke or Gonzaga or a bunch of other schools. If you think it’s boring, look in the mirror. Get off your ass and stop making it boring! If you were half as enthusiastic at hoop games as you are soccer games, we’d be on ESPN three times a year. With national exposure and a raucous student crowd, we’d get better players and practically never lose at home, just like soccer.”
“Fine, you made your point. We’re out of here, good luck.”
“See you next year?”
“Yeah, see you next year.”
“Guys, guys, you on the skateboards….”