In a startling turn of fate, Isla Vista’s famed Pirate discovered a hidden treasure map inscribed on his harmonica and, following its clues, found his missing eye.
Raymond, as the Pirate likes to be called now, views the discovery (with both eyes) as the pivotal moment in his life. In the three days since, he has made a complete turnaround and now has a steady job working as a cashier at the Isla Vista Food Co-op, where he is no longer the dirtiest person. And, despite never having gone to high school, the Pirate is already near the top of his class at Santa Barbara City College.
The eye, found locked in a chest hidden in the Anisq’ Oyo’ windmill, had faded significantly and was missing a little chunk near the iris, but, according to the Pirate, it still works like a charm.
“It was a bit pussy when I first shoved it back in, and it itches like hell, but it still works,” said the Pirate, who is nearly unrecognizable without his scruffy, dirty beard and trademark eye patch. “And I can’t begin to tell you how much it has changed by life. I now have both eyes clearly focused on the future.”
The reaction from the community, however, has been lukewarm at best. While many students lamented the loss of an Isla Vista legend, countless others have expressed anger, saying that the Pirate has no right to abandon the community like he has.
“It’s bullshit,” Chad Dickinson, a third-year business economics major, said. “I never got to see him smoke out of his eye socket, and neither has my bro here, and we’re pissed. Does the Pirate think he can just stop being homeless just like that? That’s not how things work in this town.”
“And I heard he was a badass harmonica player and I…” Dickinson started to say before two scantly-clad blondes passed by.
The reaction from the homeless community was equally mixed. Karms, a local transient, seemed to express happiness, though no actual words could be discerned from his deep growl. It was just before 11 a.m., and the area surrounding the park bench was already littered with Mickey’s.
Clydesdale, who proudly cruises the streets of I.V. on his bike with extra high handlebars, was clearly jealous of the Pirate’s recent accomplishments.
“Just because he has two eyes doesn’t mean he’s better than us,” Clydesdale said between gulps of his Steel Reserve.
Despite the persistent public outcry, the Pirate remains optimistic about his future.
“I really love working, and going to school. I’m a new man,” Raymond said. “And you know what the best part about doing a hard day’s work is? Afterward, I get to go home to my park bench and my 40.”