Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the past few years, you’ve heard about these total nut jobs who claim they’ve experienced some kind of “alien” encounter. It’s the same story every time — they were just minding their own business in the middle of a field and then BAM! Out of nowhere these kuh-raz-eee-lookin’ aliens beam them up into a futuristic spaceship. The aliens try to act friendly but then they actually do horrible experiments on these people, like probing their anuses and doing spectral analyses on their hair and skin.

I’m sick of this shit. I mean, come on people, get real. You think little green men from Mars drove all the way over to Earth on their spaceship just to probe you? Please, you are NOT that interesting. Also, what is this tractor beam nonsense? “Ooooh, it’s a super high-tech-magnetic-pulse-type force field thing, and it latches onto your chakras and pulls you into a flying saucer.” Yeah. Right.

Besides these abductees being obviously and completely insane, I’ve got another reason not to believe their batty stories: Jesus.

Jesus is real, folks. I’ve been chatting with him on a regular basis, and, believe it or not (seriously, your beliefs have no effect on an omnipotent deity), he is a totally chill dude. He’s really into awesome shit like motorcycles and drinking beer. Like last month I got into this gnarly motorcycle accident where I was drunk and hit a squirrel and totally wiped out. I was sure there was no God because why would God have put a squirrel in my way when he knew I was drunk? Like, really. But then Jesus appeared in my surgical scar (you know… like when Sirius Black appears in the Gryffindor fireplace in Prisoner of Azkaban) and explained to me the concept of “free will,” like how the squirrel had the free will to commit suicide by jumping in front of my bike. Then he went and grabbed me another Bud and we just shot the shit for a while.

So the next time some loon tries to tell you they “saw aliens” and “went on a spaceship,” find out what they were smoking, then offer to trade them a Bible and a beer for some of it. Invite Jesus, too: he’s totally down.