Winter Quarter: A Haiku
Winter quarter sucked
I am always dripping wet
That is what she said

Send your questions to

Dear Igor,
When I study, I need it to be absolutely quiet, which is why I only study at the library. But sometimes, even the library isn’t quiet enough because people are whispering or typing, so I search for a group study room where I can be alone with my homework. Only thing is, I have never seen an empty study room. They are always full. How do people grab those? Is there some kind of reservation system? How can I get me a nice, quiet, study room?

Soundless Scholar

Dear Scholar,
I hear you, woman, and I used to suffer just like you. In need of some sequestration, I would go from study room to study room, only to encounter frustration after frustration. I would press my face against the glass and breathe heavily, staring in like a 31-year-old single woman outside of Tiffany’s. Those studying inside would stop and stare back at me, and all I could do was claw at the glass, moaning, with dribble slowly spilling down my chin.

But all that has changed because I have become a terrible, terrible person. And after reading this column, if you put your mind to it, you can be a terrible person, too. There are several ways.

The best strategy is pretending to be a library staff member. What I’ll do is put on a collared shirt or something, and tell the students in my future study room that “I’m so sorry, but this space is scheduled for inspection, so I’m going to have to ask you to head out in the next ten minutes.” Then, as soon as they leave, I slither in and spend the next several hours inspecting my homework in sweet, sweet solitude.

Part of why I’m an awful person is because I like messing with people, so sometimes I will go into a study room and ask if I can sit with those inside since “everywhere else is full.” They usually say yes, and so I sit down, quietly reading over my notes, not disturbing anyone. But after about five minutes, I start mumbling quiet threats like “And they said ‘Sure, you can sit here,’ well I’m not sitting for anybody … I’ll study when everyone else is dead … Jesus was a vegetarian.” Phrases like these are magical, and the longest any group has lasted is 15 minutes before being sufficiently creeped out and leaving me alone.

If all else fails, just go to the fourth floor with a bunch of blankets, stack some chairs, and erect your own mega study fort. You probably won’t get much studying done, but who doesn’t love mega forts?