Unless you’re a huge dork and can’t breathe because HBO finally picked up “Game of Thrones” (OMG, SO EXCITED), the only thing March means for you is the end of the frozen wasteland that was the Winter Olympics. Now we can all return to our crime shows, hospital shows, FOX shows and, for the truly sad saps out there, our CW shows. Come on, show yourselves.
Surprisingly, the CW hasn’t been its usual variety of god-awful this past season. Don’t get me wrong, it’s all crap. But after reading my reviews, you’ll know which shows you should watch on your laptop with your headphones in, too ashamed to come out from under the covers.
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“The Vampire Diaries”:
Let us acknowledge one fact. Humans are the new aliens (“Planet 51,” anyone?) and vampires are the new humans. And with “True Blood” presiding as the pinnacle of modern day girl-meets-vampire romance, “Twilight” being the pond scum, “Vampire Diaries” surprisingly ranks somewhere in between.
The writing is relatively creative for a glorified high school drama, the acting adequate. Not to mention Stefan (Paul Wesley) and Damon (Ian Somerhalder) might just snag the award for “Hottest Brothers on the CW” away from the Winchester boys.
“America’s Next Top Model”:
If you’re still watching this, you’re in luck. Next season is the Ugly Season. It’s finally your chance.
If you’ve been keeping an eye on TV ratings (wait, that’s just me?), you know that “Gossip Girl” has become a laughing stock to rival the shame of any VH1 reality show. Unfortunately, this Upper-Eastside drama learned the first rule of television the hard way: A series is only as good as its bitch. Tragically, my fellow viewers and I have seen the once-proud Blair Waldorf of season one, cunning and fierce to a fault, transform into a pathetic crybaby with zero depth. Even the fashion has gone downhill. Put this show out of its misery, I can’t stand it anymore.
You know, I had a lot of respect for Tinsley Mortimer every time she graced the pages of Vogue’s best-dressed section. But this new endeavor makes me think someone is trying to take a page out of the Lauren Conrad book (no pun intended), and you definitely seemed better than that, Tinsley.
I have to admit, I haven’t actually seen this one. But I can name two shows currently on television right now with this same premise. Just saying.
Please tell me none of you watch this.
“Smallville” and “Supernatural”:
Nothing I say about either of these shows will get you to watch them. You either laugh at anyone who mentions them or you’ve been religiously watching them for years. There is no middle ground.
“One Tree Hill”:
With this season of “One Tree Hill,” I figured out why I never liked “One Tree Hill.” Peyton and Lucas were fucking annoying. Those two leaving were the best thing to ever happen to this show. I’m actually interested in what’s going on again, and the plot doesn’t sound like an obvious rip-off from “The Bold and the Beautiful” anymore. Keep it up, writers.
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So while this is adieu until after Spring Break, just remember that I love you all. Well, as long as you pray for oodles and oodles of hot sex in the upcoming “Tudors” season, of course.