Sleepy in Chicago
Fri., Feb. 12, 10:18 p.m. — Officers patrolling the 6600 block of Pasado Road were alerted to trouble when someone yelled “Man down!” from their front door.

The deputies walked over and found a young man, his clothes soiled with dirt and God knows what else, completely passed out in the gravel beside the driveway of the house.

After unsuccessfully attempting to wake the defeated drunkard, the officers called in the medical response team on fears of alcohol poisoning.

The 19-year-old man, who woke as the paramedics arrived, was not happy and repeatedly shouted “fuck” and asked why it was necessary for them to assist him.

After getting the OK from the paramedics, the officers arrested the inebriated, insolent man for public intoxication. He was put in a patrol car, at which time he told the deputies that he commutes from Chicago to Santa Barbara City College every day to attend school.

Thinking to themselves that SBCC isn’t even worth the commute from I.V., the officers kept driving towards the Santa Barbara County Jail, where they housed the likely corrupt young man, pending sobriety.

From Russia, With Love
Fri., Feb. 12, 11:18 p.m. — The Isla Vista Foot Patrol was called to action when officers spotted a young man carrying a bottle of vodka down Del Playa Drive.

The officers approached the young man, who was an extra shade of pale, and grabbed him by the arm. When asked his age, the inebriated man told them he was 21. The deputies wanted to see his ID, however, and, releasing his arm, told him to get it.

His arm now free, the pasty man made a break for it and started sprinting down the street. His escape was short lived, however, and he was quickly tackled. The deputies searched his pockets and found a passport — a Russian passport.

The officers arrested the 19-year-old Russian reveler for evading a police officer and transported him to the Santa Barbara County Jail, where he was housed, pending sobriety.

Can You Point Me to the Sex Castles?
Sat., Feb. 13, 1:43 a.m. — An especially rude freshman staggering down the 6700 block of Trigo Road caught the attention of Isla Vista’s finest.

With whiskey on his breath, the 19-year-old had a wicked tongue, shouting obscenities at anyone who passed. When the deputies arrived, however, he sheepishly said, “Hey, man,” and sat when they told him to sit.

The officers asked the pugnacious partier if he knew where he was, to which he (incorrectly) stated, “Sure I do; I’m on Del Playa.” He told the officers he lived in the Santa Catalina dorms but could not point in their direction.

With no other recourse, the deputies arrested him and took him to the IVFP Sheriff’s Station, where he promptly threw up. He was then put in a patrol car — where he again vomited — and driven to the Santa Barbara County Jail, where, surprise, he threw up again.

With nothing left in his stomach, they housed the not-so-fresh prince, pending sobriety.