I sometimes find myself meandering through the library, browsing books, leafing through magazines, making sure to avoid the masturbators on the fifth floor, you know, the usual stuff. But last week, when I was napping on the couches on the second floor, something very special happened. While fishing for a dime I had dropped, I found an old notebook someone had pushed deep between the couch cushions. Frayed, yellowed, with the pages barely attached to their bindings, the notebook was filled with the handwriting of dozens of former students, with dated entries stretching back to 1954. Each entry described a personal achievement. Some were insignificant, others were utterly insignificant, but a select few were extraordinary. Legendary, even. They are presented now for the first time, summarized in light of space constraints, but fundamentally unaltered. These students may have graduated, but their glory lives on forever.
Jennifer Price ’94 – Used every restroom on campus in a single quarter
Jennifer decided to embark on her outhouse odyssey after experiencing a bathroom in Broida that had a toilet that wouldn’t flush, no running water, and toilet paper rougher than Billy Mays’ scruff. From a young age, her mother told her that she deserved the best, so Jennifer decided to find it. She started every morning with a quart of water, followed by fifteen minutes of Kegels, and headed off to school. By upping her tinkles to six a day, Jennifer was able to urinate in all 385 women’s lavatories during Winter Quarter of 1992. Her favorite? A water closet in the Physical Sciences North building, which she said had “the atmosphere of a large restroom, but the privacy of a single-person commode.” Just goes to show that if the mind can dream it, the urethra can achieve it.
Jeremy Rowland ’89, Mechanical Engineering Major – Ascertained the perfect beer pong toss
The following is an excerpt from Jeremy’s entry: “Peeking through the blinds of the fraternity house, I laughed to myself as a member continually missed every one of his shots during a beer pong match. The vibrations caused by my laughter propagated down to my feet, causing me to slip on the ledge I was standing on and hit my head. I awoke the next morning to an epiphany– the perfect projectile procedure! By treating one’s arm and hand as an active lever and hinge mechanism capable of four degrees of freedom and applying a constant three-dimensional acceleration vector to the ball (with the z taking into consideration the Coriolis effect, obviously), the ball/cup impact location could be deduced as a function of distance and atmospheric pressure! Sadly, my breakthrough is mere child’s play compared to the challenge of actually getting invited to a party…” A special thanks to David Murphy at the Mechanical Engineering Dept. for this inside scoop.
Michael Gray ’73, Resident Assistant, Anacapa Hall - Wrote up his residents for drinking while himself tripping on acid
As UCSB Residential Life says, an RA has to be professional, but only while on duty. Michael was off-duty on a Friday night when he tried LSD for the first time before being called back to Anacapa to cover for a sick co-worker. As he walked to the 1200s wing to investigate a reported drinking party, the walls of the residence hall exploded and rushed into his pupils before streaming back out and reassembling themselves into a gleaming 1965 Chevy Chevelle. Regaining his senses, Michael reached the room in question and knocked loudly, pausing only to lick the door, which was made entirely out of black licorice. He was met with screams of “RA! RA!” which scared Michael, so he ran into the room and jumped into a closet. “I’ll hide in here until the RA leaves,” he said to the wavy colored blobs who, thinking he was being sarcastic, handed over their identification cards. They were written up in the morning once Michael’s trip ended, but not before he had sex with the entire Milky Way galaxy.