Plump and juicy tulips to Dogtown, the newest eatery in Isla Vista. There’s just something about a sausage that makes our mouths water.

Scared and confused turds to the UCSB alert system for its botched texts and e-mails. Suggested New Years resolution: become useful.

Verdant, clear-skied tulips to the hills above Santa Barbara for not catching on fire this quarter. We appreciate the effort, guys.

Painfully sober turds to the Board of Supervisors for making the alcohol ban on I.V. beach permanent. Maybe a few cocktails would help ease that stick out of your ass.

Loving, loco tulips to UCSB’s men’s soccer team for making it to the third round of the NCAA College Cup. You can score on us anytime.

Desperate, starving turds to the current UC budget crisis. Fee hikes and furloughs and layouts, oh my!

Hesitant, hungover tulips to I.V. residents for keeping Halloween more local this year. Your side view mirrors will thank you.

Fat, out-of-shape turds to the administration for planning to cut the ESS minor. At least it’s not very popular with the students, right?