That’s a Bush,

Not a Bed

Sat., Nov. 14, 12:03 a.m. — A heavily intoxicated man seated on the curb attracted the attention of several passing revelers and, subsequently, the Isla Vista Foot Patrol.

Seated near the intersection of Pasado Road and Camino Corto, the 18-year-old had seemingly reached, and then surpassed, his limit. The officers approached the crowd to investigate what was happening.

According to one of the spectators, they had been walking by when they spotted the student passed out in the bushes. They then dragged him to the curb and attempted to ascertain a place they could take him.

But as the deputies discovered, the ruined reveler was in no state to be answering questions. Sitting there with his head hanging low, the UCSB student had the whole spectrum of bodily fluids staining his body, including a mucus-covered face, vomit-stained shirt and urine-soaked jeans.

It wasn’t until the deputies began dragging the man to a patrol car that they got anything out of him: projectile vomit.

After soiling the back seat of the patrol car, the man was booked into the Santa Barbara County Jail, where he was housed, pending sobriety.


Say My Name

Sat., Nov. 21, 10:49 p.m. — An act of drunken vandalism proved disastrous for one Isla Vista resident.

Deputies patrolling the 6600 block of Del Playa Drive were approached by a distraught female complaining that an inebriated passerby had snapped the antenna off her car. What’s more, she told the officers her friends had kept the vandal in place through the cunning use of distraction.

The deputies approached the 18-year-old man and could immediately tell he was exceptionally drunk. They asked the man his name, to which he replied, “What’s my name.” When asked his age, he replied “What’s my age.”

No matter the question, the inebriated local would answer by simply repeating the question. Frustrated, the officers arrested the man and transported him to the Santa Barbara County Jail, where he was housed, pending sobriety.


Cal Poly: To Be Expected

Sun., Nov. 22, 12:22 a.m. — Deputies on patrol couldn’t help but notice an especially raucous partier stumbling down Del Playa Drive early Sunday morning.

With a plastic beer helmet snuggly in place atop his head, the 18-year-old struggled to navigate the bustle surrounding him. After nearly falling on own his volition, the Cal Poly Mustang then stumbled into a fair-skinned Gaucho, who nearly fell herself.

After being told off, the drunken man turned and tried out his best pick up line: “Fuck you!” But instead of snatching one of Isla Vista’s famed beauties, he was snatched by I.V.’s other famed demographic, the not-so-beautiful Foot Patrol.

A quick conversation with the foul-mouthed Mustang was all the fodder the officers needed, who promptly arrested the young man and transported him to the Santa Barbara County Jail, where he was housed, pending sobriety.