I got out of class at 3 o’clock the afternoon of Monday, Oct. 19.  After getting home and starting to make a chili burger, I heard my phone make a sound I’d never heard before.  I even wondered if it was my phone or if I was just tripping. I flipped it open and saw that I had a “TXT Message” from UC Alert.  While I wondered what a “TXT” was I pressed “Open” on my phone’s screen.  The message read the following: ”Public Safety has iden” … 

Holy s**t, I thought. What the f**k is “iden?”  I was confused and put the cell phone back in my pocket not letting the situation get in the way of cooking my chili burger.  Then that noise again, one minute later.  Another “TXT” from UC
Another one came at 3:31 p.m.: ”e building at South Ha” …

Then,   “Officers are currently” …

3:32 p.m.: “way from South Hall,” 

3:32 p.m.: “possibly in possesio” 

3:32 p.m.: “evacuated by a police officer.” 

After this wave of nonsensical and terrifying “TXT”s I reached for the patties in the freezer.  Then I had a great idea:  I checked my e-mail.  The first message in my inbox was from Chancellor Yang titled, “Flu Update.” After 15 minutes of trying to make a connection, another fu**ing message: ”UCPD searching South Hall for a suspicious subject in South Hall.” 

WHAT THE F**K??  Finally, UC Alert completes a sentence and they make it a tautology.  I gave up trying to understand and went back to my chili burger. 

I wonder if it’s harder to send seven nonsensical text messages than to send one that makes sense.  I also wonder if seven nonsensical text messages filled with words like “Public Saftety,” “police officers,” “evacuated” and “rgency personnel” made people feel safe… or scared and confused. 

At 4:22 p.m. I received another text message: “South Hall cleared and evacuated.  University business can continue as usual.” 

I’m glad things worked out, whatever it was that happened. After losing my appetite for the chili burger I concluded that UC Alert is one service I can do without — and f**ck texting too!