Hey, everybody! It’s me, Igor, here to serve you a plate of my hot, steaming, sweet and sour advice (now with free potstickers!). To have your queries catered to, drop me a line at email@example.com. Bon appetit, yo.
Seniors: Date Freshmen Before it’s Too Late
Now that I’m a senior, I’m wondering what the deal is with dating freshmen. I didn’t think it was weird, but my friends made fun of me after I told them about this super cute freshman in my class. Do you think it’s OK?
It’s more than OK: It’s fantastic. Like crushing wine-grapes in the nude, a senior-freshman relationship is a win-win for everyone. The senior: tired, haggard, cynical from all he has seen in Isla Vista, connects with a freshman: wide-eyed, energetic, bubbly and distracted by shiny objects. The senior begins to notice his back-pain doesn’t attack with quite so much vigor in the mornings, while the freshman gets to tell her friends things like, “He doesn’t just try to get in my pants all the time like the guys in our grade. He’s about so much more than that. He’s so different.” A year from now, yeah, totally weird, but for the next nine months, it’s better than a wheelchair at Disneyland.
Try Real-Life Stalking When Facebook Fails
At an event last weekend, I was reacquainted with a very attractive young lady from my freshman dormitory that I had not seen in quite some time. That night, I realized we were not connected on Facebook, so I requested to add her as a friend. It has been over 24 hours, but she has yet to accept the friendship. I am anxious to build relations with her, but I am unsure of my next step. Please assist me.
Right? What is the next step? Do you just wait, becoming progressively more anxious, nervous and generally sweaty? Or do you message her and say, “Hey, I noticed you haven’t added me. What’s the hold up? It’s super easy – just click the button. Maybe you could click it now?” Totally tricky question. For most people, I would say just wait it out, but I kind of get the feeling that you’re a creeper. Not like an ultra-creeper, but like a lower-level, lurky, awkward creeper. It’s cool, whatever. Just play to your strengths and do some light stalking; it’s like Facebook, but in real life. Plop down by the Arbor for a few hours pretending to read the Nexus, and when she walks by, you will just happen to bump into her, if you get my drift. “Hey!” you should say. “What’s up?” This will remind her of your existence. View this as a win, and give it a rest. I guess what I’m trying to say is this: She’s not going to add you. Sorry!
Batmobile No Match for Uni-Beam Projector Ches
Some of my friends are of questionable intelligence. One shining example, whom we will call “De La,” seems to think Batman would beat Iron Man in an ultimate duel to the death. We’ve been arguing about this for weeks, so we finally decided to turn to you. Can you settle it once and for all?
Thanks for bringing this to my attention. Unlike other advice columnists, I’m not afraid to tackle the pressing, controversial issues facing young people today. To address your question: Is your friend on crack or something? Iron Man’s got a uni-beam projector chest, an electromagnetic pulse generator and a defensive energy shield that can be extended up to 360 degrees. How’s Batman going to beat that? With the power of his emo personality? I don’t think so. I give Batman about 30 seconds before his pants are filled with guano, if you know what I mean. Tell “De La” that this argument is over. Iron Man wins.
you’re still the humor columnist? jesus