Hottest Athlete (Male): Chris Pontius
True story: We may have jobbed Pontius last year. Putting this category to a vote among female Nexites has resulted in a sweeping victory for the handsome footballer three years running, but just for some balance we threw the award Jesse Meaux’s way last time.We’re sorry, Chris.
For the discrepancy between our Hottest Male and Hottest Female Honorable Mention lists, the allegedly straight Nexus Sports Editors
Hottest Athlete (Female): Michelle Murphy
In the most heavily debated sports award of them all, Michelle Murphy of women’s tennis wins by a hair — and what a beautiful hair it is. This blonde bombshell’s got it going on. But don’t get too cocky; you’ll be back next year, and your teammate Bryanna almost had you aced (bad tennis pun).
Julia “Sexpot” Speace
Most Studious: Emilie Johnson
Em-J repeatedly spurns our invitations to get stupid, dumb and hyphy, so she can instead hit the library. We assume that her .943 free throw percentage has nothing on her midterm grades. Fortunately for Emilie’s sanity, however, she is only a freshman, leaving her plenty of time to study the art of partying.
Best Name (Male): Gunnar Terhune
The name Gunnar evokes a certain intensity that undoubtedly strikes fear into the souls of his opponents. Further, the last name Terhune works well as a verb, and means “To dirty up one’s jersey an excessive amount in the course of a single game.” Of course his name had to win.
Brian “Hot Pants” Gump
Best Name (Female): Ratchaya Chaichanachaicharn
Try saying this name 10 times fast. Hell, try saying it once slowly. Chaichanachaicharn wins this contest in the biggest landslide of any award. Her last name even takes up an entire line of text! And Ratchaya, we preemptively apologize if we misspell your name. Our bad.
Most Likely to Succeed Beyond Sports: Jesse Byrd
As the newest sports columnist for the Nexus, “The Byrdman” created a firestorm of controversy with a unique prose passed down from his mother, an award-winning romance author. And if his writing tanks, he can always start up a line of thugadocious dreadlock accessories.
Biggest Clown: James Nunnally/Orlando Johnson
This was a tough one. Between a dynamic duo of back-slapping ballers, a 6’8” comedian and a white, self-proclaimed rap superstar, the men’s basketball team takes it down. If you’ve never kicked it with these dudes, you’re missing out on straight shenanigans. Shaq’s got nothing on the Nun-OJ combo.
Brett “Kru$ha” Fick
Life of the Party: The Men’s Volleyball Team
As much as we wanted to give props to a golfer that gets down, there’s no denying that the men’s volleyball team is a collective force of weekend wildness. Who wouldn’t party with Grant Goswiller and his patented goose dance? Bottom line, these kooks know how to party.
Wait, You’re a Coach? : Softball’s Brie Galicinao
Her UCSB profile claims she graduated from Princeton with a dominant pitching career and a B.A. in history to boot, but her girlish complexion leads us to believe otherwise. If she took the mound this season, it’s doubtful that anyone would question her intercollegiate eligibility.
Wait, You’re Not a Coach? : Men’s Basketball’s Chris Devine
Super-duper senior Chris Devine, who goes by “Chirs” on T-shirts, has been on the Gauchos since the Mesozoic era. Cowboy Bob Williams does not recall when Devine joined the team, but was reportedly upset that UCSB had failed to sign his favorite assistant coach to a new six-year contract extension.
Best to Interview: Mario Hollands
Hollands’ ability to take one question and turn it into a 30 minute answer — complete with nicknames, made-up words and various instances of incoherent giggling — catapult him over the ever-eloquent Nick Perera and the certifiably insane (in a good way, of course) Christine Ramos.