Death metal music and heavy microphone feedback filled Isla Vista this past Friday as Kroozr $kid Nation raised hell for the final time of the school year.
The bicycle race – presented by K$N, a local cruiser-bike restoration and racing club – wound through the streets of I.V. and culminated in a farewell concert replete with electric saws. The self-described “deviant Isla Vista bicycle gang,” donned revealing articles of clothing for their last beach cruiser race of the year, which required participants to chug beer at the completion of each of the race’s three laps, leading some bicyclists to projectile vomit mid-race.
Fabiana Licata, a third-year environmental studies major, said the race was both sexual and violent.
“Derek [Mead] looked like he jizzed all over his handlebars while he skidded across the finish line,” Licata said. “There were people t-boning each other. It was hell. You just have to wonder what other people are doing on other campuses. I’m curious about the really big modified bikes. One guy fell off and walked it off like no one saw him.”
Additionally, Mitchell Flexo, a fourth-year global studies major, wore a cape and branded himself with the K$N logo especially for the event. Flexo said the evening was slightly distressing because most of the club’s members are graduating this quarter.
“This is all bittersweet since we’re all graduating, but we’re here to raise hell in Isla Vista,” Flexo said. “… I love it, I need it, I want it.”
Moreover, Eric Hvidsten, a second-year German and global studies major, said participating in the race marked one of his greatest collegiate accomplishments.
“It was a blitzkrieg of testosterone and excitement,” Hvidsten said. “But Mike seized the day and showed us who’s boss.”
Michael “Nima” Astani, a third-year art history major, won the race and had just one statement for the press.
“We’re not gonna stop, fuck you,” Astani said.
Deeply disappointed by his fifth place ranking in the race, Austin Andrews, a fourth-year philosophy major, still showed love for K$N by wearing a customized K$N studded jean jacket. Andrews said K$N’s reputation will remain unmatched.
“Unfettered by lawful regulation, the Nation has arisen as the raddest fucking gang alive,” Andrews said. “K$N is a cultural revolution that resulted in pure unmitigated glory. If the evening was any more glorious, the world would have exploded.”
Patrick “Tree” Miller, a fourth-year philosophy major who wore nothing but a white full-body leotard, said the race lived up to everyone’s expectations.
“I didn’t smell anything but burning rubber the whole time,” Miller said.
A customary victory lap concluded the event, followed by a farewell party and concert. A punk rock band performed at the concert, punctuating their wild songs with electric power saw solos while other members destroyed printers with cinderblocks.