Before Michael Young, Ron Cortez, J.P. Primeau, Lt. Brian Olmstead and the entire Santa Barbara Board of Supervisors start slapping each other on the backs for their collective efforts to derail Floatopia 2, let’s go over the real reasons it didn’t happen this past weekend.

Reason #1: Mother’s Day. With definite exceptions, a vast majority of UCSB students and I.V. residents come from California, and wouldn’t be able to afford the astronomic rents without help from their mommas. So it’s no wonder that plenty felt obligated to show their appreciation by road-tripping this weekend instead of the normal debauchery, which most got out of their systems during Drinko de Mayo/Cinco de Drinko.

Reason #2: The Weather. For years, Floatopia (back when only the cool kids/locals knew about it) was always a seat-of-the-pants sort of event, where you only went and participated if you really felt like it. This is honestly what made the last one so big; the weather was just so damn perfect that you would have been lame not to go to the beach even if it wasn’t Floatopia. That combined with the power of cell phones, text messaging and social networking sites made the good new spread instantly. But the weather this Saturday was cold and foggy, which is actually good considering the last reason…

Reason #3: The Jesusita Fire. Despite the pleas from Ron Cortez and J.P. Primeau, claiming that partying on the beach during the fire would be irresponsible due to the drain on police emergency services, I guarantee you, this was not a factor in most people’s decisions. I think more people wondered if it was clean/safe to be on a beach and swim in water that had ash raining on it for several days straight.

But back to the part about the need for emergency services, and this attitude that we all have to be taken care of, which led me to write this in the first place. FUCK YOU, I’m an adult and I can take care of myself. I don’t need police and paramedics in my face or on standby when I want to drink and have fun at the beach. If someone is stupid enough to get hurt or die, that’s their own damn fault. Don’t take it out on me and everyone else. It’s just natural selection. Honestly, this ban on alcohol will only exacerbate the problem, since people will be binge drinking at home to make up for being unable to maintain their buzz while at the beach. And now because of this bullshit attitude and ordinance, I can’t chill on the beach with a brew ALL SUMMER LONG. Just because of the over-hyping of a sequel to an event that I didn’t even get to attend because I had work that day.

And if anyone agrees with me, lets tell Doreen Farr that she can go fuck herself next election.