Last week, the Dalai Llama rudely pushed me out of the Nexus due to his extra-long news story, but he can’t hold me back forever! This week, I decided to write in the form of a poem. No particular reason. Just wanted to. Also, I’d like to say hello to Ashley, who I randomly met on Sabado last weekend and refused to believe I write this column. Still don’t believe me? Question time!

Dear Igor,
My roommate will sporadically give me the silent treatment and not talk to me for a few days, while still speaking to my other housemates. If I did her some great injustice, I wish she would just tell me instead of being so passive-aggressive. Is there anything I can do short of slapping a ho?
Ticked Off on Trigo

Dear Ticked Off,
So it seems your housemate treats you like a deaf girl,
Which is sad.
Unless you’re really deaf that is, and if so
Damn, my bad.

Well either way, you’ve written
Cause your roommate’s being mum,
And I’ve got just the moves for you
Let’s call them rules of thumb.

First, you go to Roommate
You say, “Roommate, listen here.
I want to hear your silken voice
Float gently through my ear,
I want to feel that tingle
That shoots up and down my spine
When you tell me, ‘Do the dishes,’
Or ‘Your dad’s sure looking fine.'”

I call this being pleasant
But it’s got no guarantee
So if it fails, sure as nails,
You’ve got to try Plan B.

Ask my friends, they’ll tell you
That I love to be a pranker.
I say pull a prank and
Pull your roommate’s boyfriend’s wanker.
Now this prank might cause some problems
That you’re not exactly seeking,
But I can guarantee you
It will get your roommate speaking!

OK, OK, I know that
My advice is kind of silly.
I’m telling you to say nice things
Or grab a grown man’s willy.

So let’s sit down and try to figure out what’s going on.
Did you leave the toilet up? Did you borrow her tampon?
Did you use her nose-hair trimmer
To trim other types of hair?
Did you fail to wipe your bottom
When you wore her underwear?

There are a million things
You could have done to kill her Zen.
But pour some wine, recite these lines
And you’ll be friends again, hey!