Pledging My Time

Fri., April 17, 11:11 p.m. — Officers patrolling the 6500 block of Del Playa Drive couldn’t help but pay attention when an intoxicated male started running back and forth down the middle of street, doing summersaults and shouting incoherently.

So jubilant was the 22-year-old that he somersaulted right into an officer. The deputy, who was unharmed by the drunken gymnast, asked the young man what he was doing.

Realizing he was speaking to a figure of authority, the inebriated man stood tall, his back rigid, and shouted, “Pledging my sorority, sir!”

The gender-confused man didn’t have any identification on him and refused, or was simply unable, to give any personal information to the officers and instead continued to yell about his pledging efforts. Then realizing he was about to be arrested, the self-described Marine dropped to the ground, put his face to the asphalt and put his hands behind his back, shouting, “This is what I do when I get arrested, sir!”

Not wishing to appear rude, the deputies arrested the hopeful pledge and started toward the patrol car. The drunken serviceman was not done being arrested, though, and dropped to the ground face-down several more times before the officers could get him in the car.

Once seated, the young man lost his cool and started slamming his head against the Plexiglas divider. A few drunken hissy fits later, the deputy was forced to spray mace into his eyes.

Eventually the alcohol-laden 22-year-old was booked into the Santa Barbara County Jail where he was housed, pending sobriety.

Getting Trashed

Sun., April 19, 1:25 a.m. — Officers responding to reports of an unresponsive male lying on the ground behind 6571 Del Playa Drive found a heavily intoxicated man struggling to stay upright.

The deputies contacted the 18-year-old as he was loitering about the large dumpsters behind the ocean-side apartment complex. The young UCSB student was clearly inebriated, as evidenced by the copious amounts of urine and vomit staining his jeans.

The officers attempted to start a conversation with the man while they waited for paramedics to arrive, but his ability to speak had apparently been drowned in alcohol. He may, however, have just been preoccupied with something else, given that he had both hands stuffed down his heavily soiled pants. No matter the question, the self-fondling dumpster diver just stood there shivering, no doubt chilled by his moist trousers.

Some time later, the paramedics arrived but eventually released the dubious drunkard back into police custody, who arrested him and transported him to the Santa Barbara County Jail where he was given fresh clothing and housed, pending sobriety.

Double the Drunk

Sat., April 18, 1:32 a.m. — Deputies on patrol were called to 6681 Del Playa Drive to deal with a reported disturbance.

Upon arrival, the officers witnessed a pair of twin brothers leaving an upstairs party. The two, both well beyond drunk, stumbled towards the staircase: their first obstacle.

The first brother clutched the handrail tightly, eventually making it down the stairs without incident. His partner in crime, however, went full-bore down the stairs, nearly tumbling several times. It was not until he reached flat ground, however, that gravity won the battle and he fell to the pavement.

Meanwhile, the first twin put one foot in front of the other until he reached the second main obstacle: a wooden gate. Having traveled the 30 feet to the gate, the brother could go no farther, fell to the ground and was unable to get back up.

In the meantime, twin number two recovered from his tumble and made his way to the gate. His attempts to open it, however, were foiled by the fact he reached for the hinge instead of the latch.

After about a minute of watching the two try to open the gate, the deputies felt obliged and opened it for them. With no other obstacles standing in their way, the 20-year-old twins were arrested and transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail where they were housed, pending sobriety.