Hello, reader. I gotta say, our relationship is going great. I write my advice column, you pick up the paper and read it – it’s perfect. Almost. I say almost because it’s been feeling a little one-sided recently. Why haven’t you been writing to me? Drop me a line at email@example.com (subject line: Dear Igor). Ask for advice, say hi or maybe tell my editor to give me a full page instead of this side-bar thingy that cuts my column short. Not that I’m upset or anything.
I’ve been with my girlfriend for six months, and I feel like I’m ready to take things “to the next level,” you know? How should I do it?
How should you do what? I don’t even know what you’re asking me. Are you saying you want to have sex with your girlfriend but you don’t know how, or are you asking me the right way to say “I love you?” Fine, whatever, I’ll answer both. As Salt-n-Pepa said, let’s talk about sex. Six months, buddy? Come on, I think we all agree it’s time to get on that, literally. But since you didn’t explain anything about your situation, I’ll have to make one up. Your girlfriend isn’t having sex with you for several reasons. First, it’s the smell. Shower daily – everyone will secretly thank you. Or maybe, her religious beliefs prohibit her from sex before marriage. Shame on you for pushing her, you sick, sick man. More likely she’s been ready for five months now, but has been waiting for you to show some initiative. Step 1: Throw girlfriend on bed. Step 2: Kiss, kiss, kiss, oral, oral, kiss, oral. Step 3: “I love you.” Step 4: Sex. There, now I’ve answered both your questions. But honestly, before taking anything to “the next level,” you should probably become better at communicating. What’s it like getting a shopping list from you? “Yeah, uh, pick me up a carton, a few pounds of the fruits and some of those canned things I like.” Seriously.
My girlfriend of two years has recently begun expressing an unhealthy interest in babies. I’ve caught her looking at baby clothing online, she talks about kids a lot and just yesterday she walked around the house with a pillow under her shirt because “I just want to, OK?” I know she’s not pregnant because she’s on her period right now, but Igor, I’m scared. What can I do to stop the madness?
Scared on Sabado
It sounds like your girlfriend is at Level 6 red alert magnum baby mode. That’s the scariest, worstest mode there is. You’ve been with her for two years, and while it sounds like she’s ready to put you on lockdown, it looks like you’re not quite ready for that. I’ve got a four-pronged solution for you (much like a fork is to a salad). First, you need to distract her, so get a puppy. Girls love puppies. Plus, this way, when she doesn’t feel like cleaning up the dog’s poop, you can say, “Darling, did you know that babies defecate, as well? That shit be stanky, ho.” Due to space constraints, I don’t have room for the last three prongs, but I will say this: After sex, tie your condom in a knot and throw it out somewhere else. Just trust me.