As the Notorious B.I.G. so famously said, “Mo Igor, mo problems.” This week is no different. Okay, sit back, relax, put your hand in your pants, and enjoy, because this first question is a little raunchy.

Dear Igor,

Something’s happening to my body and it’s becoming distracting. I don’t know why, but bad news gives me hard-ons. Let me try to explain. In section, my TA announced a pop quiz, and while everyone groaned, I grew. Or last night, when my roommate told me his classes were getting hard, I was too. Does this happen to you? I’m sure you get tons of questions, but please answer mine and tell me how to make this stop. My grandma’s funeral is next week.

Thank you so much,

Wiley Willy

Dear Wiley,

I’m sorry to hear about your grandmother. I’m even more sorry for your family, and the horror they will feel as you approach the coffin. You asked if this happens to me. No, no it doesn’t, because my secret turn-on is sunsets. Sunsets make me stiff!

A lot of people don’t know this, but every guy has a weird thing that makes their johnson ginormous. It could be chewing gum, dictionaries, or the ink in a ballpoint pen. Whatever it is, it’s something that reminds them of a special sexual experience. The first time I made love was during a sunset, so of course I’ll pitch a tent whenever I see one (I can only guess about the dictionary). I don’t know what your weird sex memory is, but whatever happened, I bet it was pretty gnarly. And I wish I could tell you how to make your problem disappear (or at least become flaccid), but I can’t because I’m still trying to battle my sunset thing.

In the meantime, do what I do, and tie your penis with a rubber band. It’s more painful than anything you can imagine, but, if she were here, I know your grandmother would appreciate it.

Dear Igor,

I need boy advice. I like to think of myself as a pretty attractive girl, but when I’m at a party and I see a cute guy, I get nervous and shy and don’t really know what to do. Sometimes I’ll be approached, but when I’m not, I feel like it was an opportunity lost. I want to be able to go up to a hot guy I don’t know and strike up a conversation. Igor, how do I do it?

Thanks,

Shy Sherry

Dear Sherry,

For once, I’m going to try to give real advice. When you meet someone new, what attracts you to the person? I’m willing to guess it’s a combination of confidence, sense of humor, and other intangible qualities, like being interesting. Well, guess what? Guys are attracted to these same qualities, and it’s quite possible to show them all within a minute of meeting someone. If you follow my directions, I promise you you’ll see results, but you have to be brave. When you see a guy you want to talk to, immediately walk up to him. Don’t wait around, because you’ll just psych yourself out. Tap him on the shoulder and say, “You suck.” He’ll probably look confused and ask you why. “Because I’ve been at this party for half an hour and you still haven’t said hi” Say this all in a light-hearted manner with a smile on your face. He will probably apologize at this point. Check it out; you have a guy you just met who is apologizing because he didn’t approach you, while you look like the most confident girl in the room. Wow! When he tries to apologize, give him a big smile, put your hand on his arm, and tell him you were just kidding around. Ask him why he thinks it’s so scary for all of us to meet new people. Now, you’re a confident, funny girl who has started an interesting conversation. Congratulations.