Editor’s Note: This article and all others included in today’s print and online issue are falsely formed for the sole purpose of the Daily Nexus’ April Fools Issue and do not reflect any form of truth or reality.

Hi you, time to pay attention to me. Out of thousands and thousands of submissions, the Daily Nexus has decided to print my column and I am, therefore, very important. I have really critical new ideas to talk to you about. My opinion is coming pretty soon, right after my attempt at a semi-witty/heartfelt/personable introduction. Do you like me yet? Do you feel bad enough for me/my people that you’re willing to invest five minutes to read my column? Good.

The man is holding us down. There is SO MUCH wrong with the world. Womyn are still being discriminated against everywhere. For example, look at that graffiti on the 6600 block of Sabado Tarde. It was a womyn…who had BOOBS! The dickhole of an artist–obviously a typically chauvinistic pig–acknowledged that womyn have breasts! Why must you objectify us like that? We’re not just bodies. Just because we wear short skirts and low-cut shirts doesn’t mean we want you to LOOK. We wear those for ourselves because we find tiny jean shorts and heels so damn comfortable, not because we like getting obscene catcalls. I hate the way you all hold us down like that.

Oh, and here’s another example for you. The recently renamed “Feminist Studies” department has been getting a lot of flack lately. “Why the switch, guys?” First of all, don’t call us “guys” like that. Your tossing around of such a derogatory term offends us to no end and causes us to lose our hair (which, on second thought, is okay because baldness empowers womyn, along with face piercings). Secondly, we want everybody to know that this major is open to everybody: men, womyn, and those who decline to obey society’s confining gender rules alike. The ratio of womyn to men in the Women’s Studies department last year was 657:1, and we were pretty sure it was because of the name. We’re expecting the ratio to even out a bit more this year. After all, who doesn’t want to be a feminist? The answer is nobody. Even you, unsure, overcompensatingly masculine frat guy. Yes! You are a feminist! If you don’t say you’re a feminist, you’re going to burn in hell!

What’s that snarky, under-your-breath comment, asshole? PMS? Did you just cough “PMS”?!!? Are you serious? Why do you men always blame any sort of emotion on Aunt Flo?! Sexual discrimination is a serious issue and I would think that you would understand why I get so worked up over it, but APPARENTLY your stupid, pea-sized man brain can’t comprehend that.

Okay, back to the serious issues. A lot of people have been asking me about why womyn is now spelled “womyn.” Some people say it’s because “women” and “woman” make womyn subordinate to men, and we can’t have that. Wrong. Real reason: the letter “y” is underused and we felt bad for it, like the stuffed animal that sits on your bed but never gets to cuddle with you.

Do you see how much injustice fills the world? Rise up and fight! Let’s get together in front of Cheadle Hall tomorrow at noon, because protesting works!