Editor’s Note: This article and all others included in today’s print and online issue are falsely formed for the sole purpose of the Daily Nexus’ April Fools Issue and do not reflect any form of truth or reality.
Additionally, due to an editing error, part of this article originally referred to the Alpha Phi sorority instead of the fictional Delta Mu. The Nexus apologizes for this and regrets the error.
TIJUANA, MEXICO – Mexican Special Forces apprehended four members of UCSB’s Delta Mu sorority this past weekend for their alleged involvement in the trafficking of cocaine into the United States.
On March 28, third-year students Traci Campbell, Lauren Brotlosky, Kristen Hill and second-year Chelsea Asher were found with two kilos of cocaine while traveling up the Baja Coast disguised as strawberry farmers. The four students have all been charged with illegal drug trafficking and are currently being detained in Mexico City.
Authorities say the four students are part of a growing trend of young Americans girls acting as drug mules south of the border. Mexican intelligence agents estimate that the number of American sorority sisters hired to transport cocaine across the border has increased tenfold in the last month.
The U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency now believes that half of the cocaine smuggled into the United States is transported on the backs of American sororities returning from traveling south for Spring Break.
Mexican Federal Intelligence Agency Chief Edwardo Perez said this approach has become extremely lucrative amid the government’s increased crackdown on the cartel’s business.
“The Sinaloa, Juarez and Gulf cartels have all used this method of employing American sororities to transport their cocaine from Colombia through Mexico and into the United States,” Perez said. “They get slutty American girls to transport their cocaine by disguising them as strawberry farmers moving crops on burros.”
Perez said the cocaine-fiends were seduced to push the drugs over the boarder through promises of their own personal kilo – the common monthly allotment for Delta Mu members – according to Mexican government intelligence.
According to Lt. Brad Chadley of the Isla Vista Foot Patrol – the department in charge of the U.S. investigation – Asher has been contacting her sorority sisters through a phone she has concealed from the Mexican Authorities by hiding it in her cooter. An IM Asher sent to her big sis read as follows: “OMG! WTF?! This one guard is so hot and like, I’m totally DTF, but I wouldn’t want my BF to find out… What should I do babe?”
Although extremely hyped-up on cocaine and laundry detergent, the President of the National Delta Mu Chapter declined to comment on the matter.
Fran Campbell, a mother of one of the students, said she is appalled by the Mexican government’s decision to hold her daughter on trafficking charges.
“I rail lines of coke with my daughter all the time,” Campbell said. “I can’t believe the Mexican government is arresting Delta Mu girls for cocaine trafficking. This has been an Delta Mu tradition for almost 50 years, back when I was a coke-wielding whore.”