Editor’s Note: This article and all others included in today’s print and online issue are falsely formed for the sole purpose of the Daily Nexus’ April Fools Issue and do not reflect any form of truth or reality.
In a shocking move to revamp the level of competition in Big West basketball, the conference has just added a 10th member school, appointing the upstart University of California, Richmond to balance out a nine-team conference that had been rumored as wanting another team for several years. Even more shocking is the mascot that Richmond has chosen as their representative, which resembles neither animal nor human in form. Through a player vote followed by approval from Head Coach Sean Kelly, the Rimjob was selected to be the face of the franchise.
“Playing in the Iron Triangle, you need a hard knock name so no one fucks with you,” Kelly said. “Being the new kids on the block in the Big West, we needed a title that would strike fear in the heart of any opponent, and I think we accomplished that. The Richmond Rimjobs have arrived … no mid-major school can touch us.”
Though the confidence of Sean “The Dragon Man” Kelly might seem brash on the outset, the first-year head coach has good reason to swagger into the 2009-10 season. Though none of his players are top national recruits, they have been spotted on the blacktop displaying a team chemistry rivaled only by the top teams in the NBA. The Harlem Globetrotters, team AND1 and even the Golden State Warriors have all been blown out in street ball meetings with Kelly’s squad.
“They ain’t like nothing I’ve ever seen,” Warriors swingman Stephen Jackson said. “The way they balled us up” (extended pause for blunt hit) “showed off a game that no team in college basketball, let alone the Big West, can handle.”
Ironically, the majority of the Rimjobs players are former UC Santa Barbara undergraduates that dominated the ranks of intramural basketball under the team name “The Rimjobs” in order to stay in playing shape in case the right opportunity were to present itself. Following the ground-breaking announcement by Big West commissioner Dennis Farrell over Spring Break, the right opportunity finally arrived for several of these tenacious ballers, seven of whom promptly made the transfer.
“When we all heard that Richmond joined the Big West and needed players, it made a lot of sense for us to head to the 510 [area code],” junior guard Joe Moses said. “Most of us are from NorCal, which is the only place that has the quality of tap water to fuel our destruction.”
The only thing fresher than the water the Rimjobs will drink in Richmond is their team dynamic that already has preseason polls claiming them as the clear-cut favorites to take down the conference title. If they were to make it to the big dance, however, their drink of choice would be something a little different than H2O.
“Forties,” junior swingman Mike Simanek said. “Outside of water, that’s the only thing a true Rimjob should drink. To do otherwise, especially in a time of celebration, would bring great shame to the Bay Area.”