The Frighteningly Magic Goombas
Fri., Feb. 27, 7:09 p.m. – Officers gearing up for a Friday night patrol were dispatched to 6663 Sueño Road on reports of fighting.

When the deputies arrived, they found a group of 10 individuals standing in the front yard. As the officers approached, all the subjects pointed toward a man in the street, as if to say, “He did it.”

While one officer immediately set out for the accused, the other stayed behind to ask what had happened. According to several of the individuals, the suspect had walked into their yard and started striking people for absolutely no reason. The victims described the savage stranger as “out of it.”

Meanwhile, the other deputy tailed the suspect as he ran up a driveway across the street. The officer followed and watched as the young man tried to climb into a dumpster. When the deputy was within 10 feet, the intoxicated man turned and said, “I’m sorry.”

Then, backpedaling away from the officer, the 20-year-old curled his hand into a fist and, after having moved some distance away from the cop, got into what appeared to be a fighting position. At this point the other officer returned and together the deputies approached the apologetic yet feisty young man.

The man refused to sit on the ground, and a deputy forced him down. At this point the subject became combative and attempted to free himself from the officer’s grip.

While wrestling with the deputy, the drug-addled UCSB student started shouting at the officers, yelling, “The Mushrooms!” and “Fuck you, I love you!” several times.

The deputies finally got a pair of handcuffs on the man, but mentally the perpetrator was in another land. His speech was fast and erratic and he would often yell strings of words that did not make sense.

After a few minutes, a patrol car arrived and transported the magic mushroomer to the Santa Barbara County Jail where he was housed, pending realization that the bars are real and not just a bad trip.

“E” before “I”, Except After “J-C-R-R-R”
Sat., March 1, 1:00 a.m. – The Isla Vista Foot Patrol was dispatched to 6570 Cordoba Road on reports of a heavily-intoxicated female.

By the time officers arrived, the Santa Barbara Fire Dept. was already in contact with the inebriated 18-year-old.

The deputies quickly noticed chunks of vomit clinging to the girl and a distinct lack of shoes on her feet. The young UCSB student, who was generally quite filthy, refused to cooperate with the firemen, who happily let the officers take over.

They asked the severely drunk woman for her name, but her response was so slurred they had to ask for the spelling. While she was relatively close with her last name – she only confused the letter “A” with “E” – her attempt to spell her first name was way off the mark. Her first attempt was, “J-C-R.” Officers, realizing that she wasn’t an electronics brand, asked her to try again, but she continued, “J-C-R-R-R-R-R-R.”

The deputies, who were having trouble accurately identifying the young lady, were comforted when she informed them of her birth date, which she said was July 9, 9990.

Unwilling to have a go at discerning her address, the officers arrested the future girl for public intoxication and transported her to the Santa Barbara County Jail where she was housed, pending sobriety.

Lysergic Blues
Sat., Feb. 28, 7:30 p.m. – A man standing in the middle of the intersection of Camino del Sur and Del Playa Drive caught the attention of Isla Vista’s finest.

The college-aged man was standing in the intersection with both arms spread wide and his chest thrust out. The intoxicated man was not traveling to or from anywhere, nor did he appear to have any grasp on his surroundings. Several cars had to swerve around the statuesque man, who was slowly turning in circles.

The officers approached the 21-year-old and asked him what he was doing, however he was unable to speak in a coherent manner, nor could he identify himself. The deputies, who noticed he wasn’t wearing any shoes, quickly assumed the UCSB student was under the influence of a hallucinogenic drug.

Despite this, the officers continued to ask the man questions, but he was unable to answer even the simplest of questions. When the deputies tried to determine his name, he just stared at them blankly and opened his mouth, as if to say something, but no sound came out.

With no other options, the officers arrested the quiet, introspective druggie for public intoxication and transported him to the IVFP station. After some time, the inebriated man started to come out of it a little and was able to put together coherent sentences. Along with his name, he told the deputies he had taken LSD earlier in the day and that he was still under its colorful control.

Coherence notwithstanding, the acid-lover was later transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail where he was housed, pending sobriety.