Could You Help Me Zip Up?
Sat., Jan. 10, 1:02 a.m. – Deputies on a Friday night patrol watched as an inebriated young man stumbled through the front yard of 6662 Del Playa Dr., seemingly searching for a place to relieve himself.

The 20-year-old man found a wall, unzipped and started to drunkenly write his name in urine on the bricks. The officer approached the man and stood behind him as he finished. Ten seconds later, the man was done peeing and face to face with Isla Vista’s finest.

The officer escorted him to the curb and asked for his name and date of birth. The piss-drunk pee-er told the officers his name was George Douglas McClaren – a fake – and that his date of birth was 9-21-88 – also fake.

Needless to say, it didn’t take the officer long to determine he was being lied to and even less time to the arrest the dishonest urinator.

Shortly thereafter, the drunken reveler was transported to the Isla Vista Station while the arrested deputy did the paperwork. A minute later, the dams burst open and Mr. McClaren vomited all over himself and the floor.

The deputy placed him outside, where he continued to intermediately upchuck on himself. Then the 20-year-old sat motionless with his eyes closed and pissed himself.

He was later transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail where he was housed, pending sobriety.

Have You Seen My Wife?
Fri., Jan. 2, 4:43 a.m. – Officers working the late shift received a report of two middle-aged men hiding in and shouting from the bushes in front of 6621 Abrego Rd.

Upon arrival, the deputies spotted the two men walking westbound down Abrego. The officers contacted the former bush-lovers, and one of them – a heavily intoxicated 58-year-old – immediately became argumentative and combative.

Since his age was clearly not a concern, the deputies started by asking why the man was out walking around I.V. at 5 in the morning. His answer was frank, albeit completely untrue. He told the officers he had gotten into a fight with his wife earlier in the night and that she had kicked him out of the house.

He went on to say that he had been trying to walk his intoxicated friend home when they fell into the bushes.

A quick call to the Mrs., however, revealed a much different story. She told the officers that she and her husband no longer lived together and that he was currently residing in downtown Santa Barbara. The estranged wife added that her husband had also taken to sleeping in Anisq’ Oyo’ Park with the local transient population.

Needless to say, the officers had plenty to work with and arrested the twiggy man, transporting him to the Santa Barbara County Jail where he was housed, pending sobriety.

You Guys Got a Light?
Mon., Jan. 12, 1:49 a.m. – While on patrol, two officers spotted a man staggering down the middle of Abrego Road.

The two officers stood at the corner of Abrego and Camino Del Sur and watched as the man approached. The clearly inebriated man then proceeded to stumble into the middle of the intersection – with two cars fast approaching – and addressed the deputies.

“You got a light for my cigarette?” he asked.

The officers kindly asked the man to walk out of the street. The 31-year-old SBCC student refused, however, and shouted, “Fuck you guys,” at the officers.

Even though the cops had ignored his request for a light, shouting profanities at the police – especially when drunk – is almost never a smart call. The officers walked over to the man, took him by the arm and escorted him to the sidewalk. Once there, they arrested him for public intoxication.

He was later transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail where he was housed, pending sobriety.