Third Time’s the Charm

Thurs., Nov. 20, 1:06 a.m. — Approximately 10 males at the corner of Embarcadero Del Norte and Segovia Road who were surrounding a young woman with her back against a fence sparked the interest of patrolling officers.

The deputies interrupted the lopsided powwow and inquired into the young lady’s welfare. She drunkenly informed the officers she was going to a nearby sorority.

Despite being unable to complete her ABCs, the deputies allowed the inebriated 18-year-old to go after instructing her to walk straight to the sorority with a man she indicated was her boyfriend.

The officers then rode their bikes a block away and turned to watch the drunken sorority sister. Instead of walking toward her sorority, however, the young woman and her boy-toy – driven by the drunchies – headed straight for Freebirds.

The deputies stopped the pair again and reminded the hungry girl of her instructions. After another failed alphabet test, the deputies let her go once more and continued to watch.

The pair then walked toward campus and headed into the Pardall tunnel. The deputies stopped her for a third time and asked what she was doing. This time, she informed the officers that she was returning to her dorm room.

The deputies explained that this was their third time talking with her and asked her how much she had imbibed. She responded by saying, “More than I should have.” At this point, the officers had no option but to arrest her, which they did.

She was later transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail, where she was housed, pending sobriety.

But I’m Just Drunk

Fri., Nov. 21, 5:55 p.m. — A man was spotted stumbling down the sidewalk in front of Berrilicious, forcing Isla Vista’s finest into action.

Deputies watched as the older male attempted to put one foot in front of the other without much success. On several occasions, the inebriated man lost his balance and nearly fell to the ground.

The officers stopped the 43-year-old transient and immediately concluded he was exceedingly intoxicated.

When the deputies attempted to question him, his words were so severely slurred that he could not be understood. After several failed attempts at human conversation, the day-drinking drunk finally admitting to drinking “a beer.” The officers concluded he was either an extreme lightweight, or he was lying about his consumption.

Either way, a few minutes later he stated that all he had done was “get drunk” and could not understand why he was getting arrested. The officers calmly explained that public intoxication was a crime and subsequently arrested him. He was then transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail, where he was housed, pending sobriety.

Dare to D.A.R.E.

Sat., Nov. 22, 5:15 p.m. — An officer was on duty at UCSB’s Robertson Gym when he was informed that someone may have been jumping on the hood of a D.A.R.E. patrol car.

As the deputy was walking out to the car, he noticed a middle-aged male moving away from the vehicle. He stopped the suspect and detained him.

The officer asked the 36-year-old man what he was doing, but the individual said nothing at first. The deputy asked again, and the suspect said, “I was going to smash the D.A.R.E. vehicle.” He then went on to say, “I wanted to talk to Gregg Wilson so I could see my old swim records. They wouldn’t let me so I jumped on the D.A.R.E. car. I told them I was going to smash it.”

When asked what the D.A.R.E. car had to do with Gregg Wilson, the seemingly sober man said, “I’m the named assistant swim coach for Gregg Wilson,” and offered no other reasoning.

The deputy then inspected the car and noticed that the suspect had caused two small dents in the hood.

The deputy placed the man under arrest and escorted him to his patrol car. Still not understanding, the officer asked once more why the man had jumped on the D.A.R.E. car. The swim-obsessed man replied that he was upset because he couldn’t see his old records. When asked again why jumping on the car had anything to do with seeing the swim records, he said, “I don’t know, I was upset.”

The man was later transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail, where he was housed, pending anger management.

–Compiled by Travis Miller