Thursday is the only day of the week I can go to class with a smile on my face. The sun will be shining, the children will be gallivanting and, without fail, a night of shenanigans will ensue.

My skate back to the 68 block will, without a doubt, be placated by relentless hordes of pitcher-pounding Sam’s to Go-ers, 15 brosephs playing some sort of variation of bottle caps and, my favorite, sophies asking for help buying Taaka handles. Each Thursday, I can’t help but feel sorry for my fellow revelers too impatient to wait for the sunset.

Don’t get me wrong. It will be hard for me to keep the caps on those 12 Sapporos when I get home from class today. But an aide memoir of daytime vodka-Red Bulls from the past will surely remind me I’m making the right decision, especially when it comes to drunk skanks. That’s why I was incapable of telling that scunter downtown the other week I just didn’t want to dance with her anymore. Look, I knew where she had been and although I wasn’t interested, I couldn’t seem to form a coherent sentence to turn her down.

Starting too early takes you way out of your game and zaps the pleasure out of nighttime debauchery. By the time you make it downtown tonight, you day drinkers will be sticking out like a feminist at a Palin rally.

Day drinking sedates even the most glorified beer guzzlers roaming the Isla Vista streets. Just look at Pirate, or the crazy Rastafarian guy who is training to become Pirate’s understudy and is slowly morphing into a pseudo-pirate, hybrid bum-hippie bro. How do you think they got to be like that? Day drinking, that’s how.

To all you day drinkers who think you can hang the entire night, I’m on to you like David Caruso. When we night drinkers ride home on Bill’s Bus, I will chastise you heinously. You won’t be the kid sitting next to that cute chick from the dorms, playing tonsil tennis. You will, without fail, be semi-conscious in the aisle with your pants down singing “I Want to Break Free.”

Bottom line, day drinking douses your fire. My friends, tonight is The Night. I’m not going to spend it face-down in my bed by 9 o’clock.