So in day-to-day life, the ‘human has been known to double as an investigatory journalist. Recently, this secret life has brought you the news of the flannel epidemic here at UCSB, but now I’ve discovered something even more sinister: unbearably annoying voicemail greetings. For real guys… Do you really need to express your creativity via the 10 seconds allotted to you by your wireless provider, when everyone knows the drill already? That’s like trying to amuse 20,000 college students daily in a 100-word blurb. Good luck.

Tomorrow’s forecast: Isla Vistans heed the ‘human’s advice, but turn to ring-back tones to express themselves instead. Dear God, what have I done?