Jesus and his proponents have finally saved us from the evils of gay marriage, thanks to the passing of Prop 8. Proposition 8 passing is far and away the most pressing matter within California these days, as anybody with a Christian bone in their righteous bodies can affirm.

Never mind the fact that California is more than $55 billion dollars in debt and running an approximately $14 billion deficit. Preventing homosexuals from saying, “I do,” is obviously far more important to the livelihood and morality of our beloved, indebted state. As the moral Ted Haggard once proclaimed, “We don’t have to debate about what we should think about homosexual activity. It’s written in the Bible.”

Let us rejoice that during this same election where Proposition 2 gave more humane treatment rights to chickens we will ensure that marriage will be constitutionally enshrined as a union of a heterosexual couple. Despite the fact that chickens are merely shit machines that happen to lay eggs (a fact to which I can attest after raising four generations of them), we have ensured their right to wander freely around in the tens-of-thousands in a grassless 10’x10′ enclosure. It was an imperative law for us to get into the books. Just as the homosexual agenda will no longer be able to indoctrinate our children, no longer will caged chickens be able to supply California with safe, reliably disease free and inexpensive eggs.

Much like the foregoing of billions from homosexual weddings, the negative economic impact of this new law unmistakably bears no importance to our penniless state coffers. We are merely upholding what Jesus would have wanted when he preached to “treat others as you would like to be treated.”

Thankfully, we have come to realize that planting a variety of crops in our fields and gardens and abstaining from eating shellfish are no longer viable sins and are just too much of a hassle and really not worth our time to try and avoid – God obviously won’t mind that we’ve moved beyond these (I mean seriously, even He couldn’t pass up some prime Bubba Gump) – however, the tidbit about homosexuality is obviously still very relevant to how we live our lives today.

When the Old Testament was written two to three thousand years ago, it left no question as to why homosexuality should be considered a sin. First off, it’s most assuredly immoral and wrong. Despite a 50 percent first marriage divorce rate, it is quite evident marriage must remain a union between a man and a woman for the sole purpose of raising a child.

Preserving the Christian populace is also still something that we must keep in the forefront of our minds. There are over 6.7 billion humans on this earth and of those, 1.8 billion are Muslims. By golly, with 1.8 billion Muslims, with their Saddams, Obamas and Osamas, what would the world come to if homosexuals were allowed to marry and potentially raise children as non-Christians? What an awful world that would be if morally impressionable children were given the possibility of free thought instead of being shown the light of Jesus at all costs.

Well, thank the Lord. Because of Proposition 8, my worst nightmare has been averted.