More likely than not, your first sex ed lesson didn’t come from mommy and daddy or from your wrinkly fourth-grade teacher. Your parents sat you down in front of the boob tube and popped in a VHS while they went out to have their “alone time,” you tiptoed out of bed to watch the horror films playing on cable or your older brother or sister pinned you down and made you watch all of “Brain Damage.” And it probably wasn’t the blood and guts that kept you tossing and turning all night.

Maybe all of the “subtle” Freudian imagery and teenage nymphomania aren’t exactly like “real” life, but Halloween is coming, and we all know how frightening Isla Vista can be.. Thus, Artsweek is here to remind you of a couple of things to watch out for, with its list of the most horrifying sexual imagery found on film: Yes, vaginas do have fangs; sex with the devil probably won’t be as good as you imagine and whatever you do, don’t let Christian Bale trick you into hopping into the sack with him.

1. “Rosemary’s Baby” (1968)

Mia Farrow plays the titlular character, an (almost) happily married woman who longs for a baby. After excessive coaxing, her husband, Guy, reluctantly agrees.  But on their “baby-making” night, Rosemary drinks too much and passes out. Not wanting break his promise, Guy goes ahead and fucks her anyway, consciousness be damned!

Rosemary, meanwhile, has a rape nightmare featuring a monster, clergy members and naked old people chanting. She goes on to experience the most horrifying pregnancy in movie history.

There aren’t any shots that are too disgusting or painful to look at, but Rosemary’s paranoia is creepy enough to qualify this film as a classic horror masterpiece. It will also come in handy about 10 years from now if your partner is pressuring you into starting a family.

2. “Teeth” (2007)

For decades, horror films have been playing around with our darkest, deepest-buried psychological fears, but Mitchell Lichtenstein’s uncannily clever coming of age/horror film “Teeth” bites right down to the core. Been wondering what that whole “castration anxiety” thing that your professors have been yammering on about? “Teeth” personifies it, to a terrifying effect.

Like many young people beginning to experiment with their blossoming sexuality, Dawn is plagued by (typically unfounded) fears that she might not be anatomically normal. Dawn’s fears turn out to be all too real, as she discovers, after a near-rape by her would-be boyfriend, that she has teeth in her vagina.

Unlike most films, which only show female nudity, this film is quite graphic in its depiction of the male anatomy, as witnessed when Dawn’s cruel, absolutely disgusting stepbrother has his member chopped off, which is then devoured by his beloved pitbull.

3. “Parents” (1989)

What’s worse than discovering that the grayish, amorphous “leftovers” your parents have been serving you for dinner every night come from the human corpses your mad scientist father procured from his laboratory?

Aside from the aforementioned terror, “Parents” capitalizes on one of the most traumatic, Oedipal events in a young child’s memory: Catching his or her parents in the act. For a young child who is not old enough to understand a thing about the birds and the bees, this can be confusing and terrifying.

Only this film ratchets up the terror, as 10-year-old Michael Laemle wakes up one night and glimpses from the top of the stairs his parents engaging in some sort of indescribable, depraved sexual activity, covered in blood.

This 1989 B-movie plays out like “Leave It To Beaver” meets “Sweeney Todd,” satirizing (and spewing blood all over) the plastic, cookie cutter sheen of 1950s suburbia and preying on the repressed memories that have kept us all in therapy.

4. “The Shining” (1980)

“The Shining” gradually builds tension with various supernatural occurrences haunting the Torrance family in the Overlook Hotel.

One such haunting is when Jack Torrance confronts the naked woman in room 237. Appearing young and mannequin-esque at first, she seduces Jack. It is not until Jack is in the middle of their make out session that he realizes she is old, dead, and rotting. Gross!

So watch your alcohol intake this weekend: If the person you are making out with is cold and not moving much, check their pulse and make sure they’re just passed out instead of dead.

5. “I Spit on Your Grave” (1978)

It usually goes without saying that a man’s genitalia is the most fragile part of his body, and the mere thought of accruing potential injuries to this fragile zone is painful. “I Spit on Your Grave” plays with this idea, managing to make one feel happy and terrible at the same time.

The film centers on a woman who is raped by a group of men and seeks vengeance by seducing them to their deaths. The most iconic kill is when she lures one of the rapists into a bubble bath with her. As he thinks she is pleasuring him, she is actually chopping off his manhood. When he realizes this, it’s too late. He is locked inside the bathroom, de-manned and bleeding to death. Now that’s poetic justice.

6. “American Psycho” (2000)

“American Psycho” captures the truly frightening essence of the ’80s. It sparked major controversy after its release, not only for its explicit violence and gore, but also for its provocative sex scenes. 

The most intense and sexual scene in the film involves a camera, two prostitutes and a chainsaw. Yuppie stock trader by day, sadistic killer by night, Jason Bateman (Christian Bale) constantly checks himself out in the mirror during his threesome, which makes the scene even creepier. Bale’s sexy and ripped body is the perfect contrast to his repulsive character.

7. “Brain Damage” (1988)

“Brain Damage” is a anti-drug horror film about Brian, a young man who discovers and forms a heroin-like addiction to a brain-sucking alien named Aylmer. The creature possesses a slight resemblance to Towelie from “South Park,” only a lot more phallic.

The most memorable scene in “Brain Damage” is when Brian leaves a dance club with a grungy blonde hussy, high as a kite on Aylmer’s addictive juices.The female decides to perform fellatio on an unconscious Brian, but receives more than she bargains for, as Aylmer seizes the opportunity of her open mouth to suck her skull dry while she gasps for breath.

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