With the anticipation of Halloween in I.V. growing for months, it’s finally time to put on whatever costume(s) you’ve acquired over the past weeks and really let it rip. I’ve never quite figured it out, but something about Halloween weekend always leads to the sloppiest drunk of the year. Dressing like a dumbass while getting dummy retardo is pretty standard for just about any I.V. night or day, and yet this weekend always takes it to another level.

My All Hallows Eve memories are pretty hazy, but I’d say that the combination of a unified I.V.-wide will to rage, a large influx of visitors, and the heavily blaquephaded tradition of the weekend is the true root of the ridiculousness. But like tequila and milk, these factors don’t always sit well when mixed. Luckily for you, past Halloweens have cost me thousands in tickets and security deposit losses, so I put together some quick tips to at least survive the next 72 hours.

While most of this weekend’s arrests and tickets are given to out-of-towners, having friends visit doesn’t mean you automatically need to MapQuest the SB County Jail. After previous incidents like a Stone Cold Steve Austin impersonator slammercizing a half bottle of Bacardi 151 and smashing every door, mailbox, sign and piece of furniture he came across, I’ve learned just how important it is to get Nate Dogg on a bitch and regulate. As every face down, first-week freshman puker knows, the per capita alcohol tolerance of this town is probably higher than anywhere in the country, so convincing your visiting friends to try and keep up when you start beer bonging vodka will likely end in disaster. Of course, you’re not their babysitter, so if they want drink for a brain explosion, Grill Vogel-style, it’s their problem.

Speaking of regulating visitors, if you live anywhere within a half mile of the 6600 block of DP, get ready for some randoms trying to crash your pad. While most friendless out-of-towners can be identified by lazy costumes like the ubiquitous human keg, you’re going to have to treat them like they are all very real post-apocalyptic zombies. Lock your shit down early, because once your house turns into the blackout zone it inevitably will become, you definitely won’t want to deal with some random 30-year-old from Ventura who comes waltzing in your door. Especially not one who’s trying to relive the college dream, while blasting stomach on your new laptop.

The Festival Ordinance in place this year that pushes noise limitations to start at 6 p.m. is a major face-fuck for all balcony DJs on DP. But it doesn’t have to eliminate your own personal rage. The ordinance specifies amplified music only, so while screaming your face off may get the cops to show up at your house, they can’t specifically ticket you for it. If going Rockapella isn’t your style, you don’t have to be afraid to be a jukebox hero, but just make sure your Foreigner mix-tape collection can’t be heard from the street. Keep the music inside and your windows shut, and you should be fine. Just remember, after Teen Wolfing a twelve-pack, turning it up to 11 won’t sound as loud as it did previously.

Finally, once you’ve got your other shit together, you can start worrying about yourself. Normally, I’m a big proponent of taking road sodas for the party trek, but with 240 cops in town looking to crack skulls for any form of open container, the only drank you should be carrying out should be in your belly. If anything, leaving booze at home is more important on Halloween than any other weekend of the year. With trying to throw a regular party mostly impossible, and thousands of people cruising the streets, set your sights on finding some babes of whatever sex you prefer and bringing them back home for an after-party.

With most of the jokers getting cleared out, arrested, or falling off the cliff by 1 a.m., prepping a proper perm station at your house will guarantee the fun you’re looking for to wrap up a true Halloween extravaganza. The “real fun starts at 3 a.m.” rule is more than in effect this weekend. And who knows, a late-night shindig might be just what you need to lock up the Monster Mash with the aforementioned babe. Happy trick-or-treating.