I love animals. I guess you could say I’m an “animal person.” Some people are strictly dog people and some are strictly cat people. Don’t hate, but if you must, hate on prejudice. It’s all about equality. I believe in that. That’s why I like them both; my mood just determines which one I favor at the time.

If I feel fat and lazy, I just yell my dog’s name and she comes running. If I feel like moving, I’ll get up and pet my cat, because there is no way my cat is getting off her lazy ass. If I call my cat’s name, she just meows and walks around in circles brushing up against shit. What the fuck, cat? Stop being such a drama queen and get your ass over here. Anyway, lately I’ve been hanging out with my dog, so I don’t have to get off the couch, which is a pretty nice perk. But what I realized was that a dog is the perfect girlfriend. Seriously though, before you start making peanut butter references you sick fuck, let me explain.

Have you ever gone over to friend’s house where there’s a dog and when you came back your dog starts sniffing you because she can smell the other dog? I don’t know if this is with all dogs, but mine gets super excited. She starts wagging her tail and giving me a big smile. You’d think she’d be mad, wondering where the fuck I’ve been and who the fuck has been walking around my legs. NO — nothing like that. She was intrigued – she was happy. She was asking me for a play date. “Yeah bring her over, I’ll chase her around the yard, maybe jump on top of her, have a cat fight” (but like for dogs, you know).

Think about it. How cool would it be if your girlfriend did that? You come home smelling like perfume and you’ve got lipstick on your shirt. She turns on the light and instead of yelling at you, she starts sniffing your whole body with this big grin on her face and tells you to invite her over for a threesome. That’s what I’m talking about. It’s all good. Don’t feel threatened, girl, embrace it.

And when I call my dog by a different name, she couldn’t care less; she still comes over – especially if it rhymes with her name. My dog’s name is Emmy; I could yell penny, Remy, hemi, anything — she doesn’t care, even just a loud noise, not even a real word, and she still comes. Have you ever called your girl by a different name? If it ain’t your mom’s or your sister’s name, you’re fucked (unless it was in bed, then you still are). Girls can surprisingly tell the difference and they actually care about what name they’re called. Just say, “My dog doesn’t care, babe, be more like Emmy, she responds to grunts even, you want to try it out? Maybe you’ll like it.” Yeah, see where that gets you.

Honestly, if a girl sniffed my crotch as much as my dog did, I would be a happy camper. I mean, my god. Do I have some raw meat down my pants or something? My dog jumps on me and licks my face and she won’t stop even when I try to push her off. I want that determination and persistence; I want a girl who won’t take no for an answer. Plus, dogs don’t sweat. Think about it, a girl that doesn’t sweat? That’s a dream come true (for the most part). She just comes home after a jog and sits there staring at you on all fours with her tongue hanging out, breathing hard, almost convulsing. All you have to do is stick your hand out and she comes right over. Wow, I want to come home to that.

So guys, I know it might not sound right, but go ahead and ask your girlfriends if they would possibly be open to act maybe a little bit more like… dogs. Just beware… if she does decide to take you up on the offer, watch out for any presents she leaves you around the house.